Steelhead Rises: The Hero 4HT Deserves, But Not The One It Needs…

If World War I can be called a “war to end all wars,” then 2013 can certainly be known as a “year to end all years.”  Twas a tumultuous 365 day stretch that had a little bit of everything, but one constant remained: 4HT spent ANOTHER year neglected by its sole proprietor from a content standpoint, and 2013 was the first year it failed to turn a profit despite collecting dust for quite awhile.  As Steelhead (presumably) lined his glass with cheap bourbon and bedroom with regrettable conquests, the site reached a point of critical mass.

We were left with three choices:

1. Find another cantankerous drunk to irritate the interwebs with opinionated nonsense

2. Find THE cantankerous drunk to irritate the interwebs with opinionated nonsense

3. Close up shop

After a heated debate, we chose #1, knowing tracking down Steelhead would take some time, and he is most likely to spit in our face anyways. He went off the grid with us a few years ago, and every lead turned up cold in the past of his whereabouts.  Ready to pack it in and move forward with someone else, we received a text from a close friend on January 7th, that was simply three words, “STEEL IS HERE.”  True to form, the bastard was hiding in a Chicago dive bar under a beard that would make the cast of Duck Dynasty jealous.   After some prodding (which is a painstaking process if you know how stubborn SH is), our friend procured a contact number, and we immediately reached out to our old friend, securing a post that should (hopefully) be showcased sometime this weekend. Will it mark the triumphant return of Steelhead?  Will it be a drive by tease?  Will he drink too much and forget about it, crushing the hopes and dreams of 4HT?  Tune in to find out!!!

-Marc Jennings, Editor in Chief, 4HT

 

The Untouchables: Ten 80′s Movies Rumored for a Remake (But Shouldn’t Be)

The 1980′s were a magical time for cinema.  Unlike the steaming piles of crap producers green light nowadays to make a quick buck, the era of “cheesy guilty pleasure movies that you realize suck but love anyways” is long gone.  A decade that will always be remembered for Reagan, Married With Children, and the ’85 Bears has been replaced with a horrendous stretch that will recall such highlights as W. Bush, Desperate Housewives, and the ’09 Lakers.  Pardon me while I bong Drano. 

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SEC Football: Yup, this pretty much sums it up…

Windy City Hilarium: A Tribute to Chicagoland Commercials

After a particulary shitty weekend that started when the Irish fell short to USC, and culminated with a Bears loss Sunday night, inspiration struck to re-visit a more innocent time in my life.  An era when daytime TV was so boring, sick kids everywhere wished they would actually be at school dividing fractions and daydreaming about squeezing a boob, instead of watching the local FOX 32, and the countless local commercials that varied from ridiculous to ludicrous.  Today, I pay homage to my childhood, and the (now) legendary commercials that flooded tubes all over the Tri-State area of the Midwest.  Enjoy.

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Official Audio Transcript of Hawaii’s Coach McMackin’s Insensitive Comment

Here’s the audio of Hawaii football coach Greg McMackin’s politcally incorrect slur used during a live press conference.  His attempt to cover up the slip of tongue is laughable, and definitely made his attempt at reconciling the situation half-hearted and un-genuine.  Needless to say, he is still upset the Irish went into his little tiki and kicked the living shit out of his precious Warriors in the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl. 

tate

The Warriors had tred marks on more than the side of their pants after this game

I’m convinced, he’s truly sorry (rolls eyes)

 

2009 NFL Preview: Each Division as Automobile Manufacturers

With NFL training camps getting ready to be in full bloom, and football right around the corner, it’s time for 4HT to take a look at what’s in store for us in ’09.  As usual, some divisions are solid top to bottom, and others weaker than a baby fart across the board.  With the American economy in the dumps, it’s only fitting to use as comparisons an industry that may be suffering the most: automobiles. 

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Josh Fields Demands Trade….and Ten Other Laughable Power Plays

It appears disgruntled White Sox infielder extaordinaire Josh Fields is demanding a trade.  The hilarious revelation is in lieu of the Sox acquiring Mark Kotsay from Boston to fill the hideous void created by Fields, his 8 errors, and 70 strike-outs.  The .220 hitter should have many suitors, in Single A.  For those who are clueless on the gravity of this situation, here’s ten scenarios that will put this into perspective for you:

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  1. Kicker Kevin Butler demands to play safety on ’85 Bears defense
  2. Legally challenged receiver Plaxico Burress asks Giants for bonus
  3. Heisman running back OJ Simpson wants to give graduation address at USC
  4. MMA fighter Frank Mir has promoter inquire about rematch with Brock Lesnar
  5. Ridiculously unfunny douchebag Ryan Dempster quotes that he will only pitch for the Yankees
  6. Twins manager Rod Gardenhire sues Denny’s for over-serving him biscuits and gravy
  7. Manny Ramirez gives back 20% of contract earnings after horrible slump in August
  8. NHL GM Gary Bettman mandates all players wear eye-liner during games
  9. Stephon Marbury demands to be re-signed by Knicks
  10. Blake Griffin urges Clipper brass to draft brother Taylor

White Sox Trade Worthless Outfielder for Worthless Infielder

Days before the ominous trade deadline, our beloved Sox have once again pulled out all the stops, and made a bold move that all but ensures an AL pennant in 2009.  GM Kenny Williams must have brass balls to ship Brian Anderson to the Red Sox for Mark Kotsay, but the move was well worth it. 

White Sox get: A guy who hasn’t stepped on the field since June 3rd

Red Sox get: A guy who will only be remembered for representing the Southside nicely during a brawl with the Cubs in 2006

anderson

This trade reeks of a few bored GM’s treating baseball players like baseball cards

White Sox: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Almost 100 games into the 2009 season, our Sox are standing pat at 51-48, only two games out of first place.  The last series in Detroit left a sour taste in alot of Southsiders mouths, but the big picture still reads clear, we CAN win this division.  Today, let’s look at why the Pale Hose have 51 wins, and more importantly, why they have 48 losses.  I’ll try to keep this as civil as possible…

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Have You Seen This Man??????

milkcarton

Any information leading to the whereabouts of one Carlos “Mini-Hulk” Quentin will be rewarded handsomely.  If you can help, please call 425-885-7529.  The Central cannot be won without Quentin, so act now!!!

KING MARK: Buehrle Tosses Perfect Game

Rangers White Sox baseball

ATTA BOY #56.  Congratulations on the perfect game, and as always, GO SOX!

(Not So) Steaming Piles of Crap: Athlete Endorsed Sega Games

The Genesis is by far and away Sega’s most successful video game system.  Although many people prefer the Super Nintendo as their 16-bit mothership, there is no debating one thing:  The Genesis blew the SNES out of the water when it came to sports games.  EA Sports and Sega had a remarkable partnership in the 90′s, and many of the premier sports games on the market still hail from this system (ex. Madden Championship Edition).  With the crappy NES and even shittier SNES games already covered, we will dive balls deep in the Sega systems, and analyze each athlete-endorsed video game for the Sega, Genesis, Sega CD, Sega 32X, and Sega Saturn.  Grab a drink, this may take awhile.

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Steaming Piles of Crap: Athlete Endorsed SNES Games

My love for the NES is very well documented.  There isn’t a system out there that can consistently suck my time away like the magical 8-bit box in my living room can.  When Nintendo and Sega released 16-bit behemoths Super Nintendo and Genesis to usher in a new era in gaming, I resisted the change.  NOTHING was going to replace my NES, plain and simple.  I drug my feet for a year before eventually getting a SNES, and noticed something about it very quickly: The SNES made AWESOME action games, and absolutely TERRIBLE sports games.

laimbeer

Yesterday, we looked at athlete endorsed NES games.  Today, we move on to its big brother, the SNES (more…)

Steaming Piles of Crap: Athlete Endorsed NES Games

If there is one thing that can be considered fortunate in my pathetic life, it’s gotta be the mere fact that I was born in an era that allowed me to enjoy the Nintendo craze of the 80′s and 90′s.  The NES still rules, and it would take some very convincing arguments to dissuade me from the belief that Tecmo Super Bowl is the best video game ever made for any system.  Although Nintendo cranked out some great sports games, the well-known rule all kid-gamers followed was, “If an athlete’s name is in the title of the game, it will suck major ass, so don’t buy it.”  This credo saved me much dissappointment and money back in the day.  In case you didn’t get that particular memo, here’s  a comprehensive list of every athlete endorsed video game for the NES, and I will also reveal the one that bucked a sad trend, and actually ascended to the status of top ten all-time video game. Enjoy.

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Out With the Old, and in With the “New” College Football Rivalries

You can google college football rivalries, and 999 out of 1,000 returns will mention Ohio St.-Michigan, Alabama-Auburn, or Army-Navy.  These blood matches have transcended time, despite the landscape of football changing drastically over the last 20 years.  Today, we are going to look at some of the newer conference matchups that are sure to be heated for 2009.

psuosu

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