The Maiden Voyage

Things are always better when you are young.  I happened to unearth this little pearl of wisdom a few days ago while watching the (at least I thought) classic  80’s movie “Swamp Thing.”  This film, a perrenial favorite of mine growing up, proved to be a healthy dose of shitvision from the opening credits.  The plot is horrendous, the acting disatrous, and the action about as exciting as watching Jimmy Clausen go 11-17 for 74 yards in a 38-0 blowout at the hands of hated rival Michigan . 

Adrienne Barbeau showing her amazing tits in a scene where she is bathing in stagnant, bacteria infested swamp water provides little compensation for wasting an hour and a half of my time, which is at a fucking premium baby.  Bottom line:  You know a movie sucks dick royally when the gratuitous nude scene fails to excite you because in the corner of the screen there’s a giant dude covered with moss and other green puke-looking shit gawking the starlett like a middle school boy whose balls just dropped.  I can’t adequately express my contempt for this, but enough about me.  Enough about “Shit Thing.”  

Experiences like this are what make people who they are, for I had a stunning revelation minutes after turing off the TV.  My newly hatched theory was that if I thought such a bomb like “Swamp Thing” was awesome as a child, then perhaps some of the athletes I idolized growing up are in all reality green shitheads too.  For a few moments, my entire fucking universe was upside down.  Could Payton be a mere fraction the running back LT is?  Could ’88 Notre Dame hold ’05 USC’s jock?  Could Jordan hang with Kobe and Lebron?  Could the ’85 Bears stop the ’07 Pats?  COULD I BE ANY MORE FUCKING DRUNK RIGHT NOW? 

These questions all boggled my fragile brain, which at the time resembled a pile of fresh poodle shit in the hot summer sun.  I spent most of the evening trying to convince myself the legends were in fact not Swamp Thing, but I had to put them to the test.  I  jumped on Youtube to watch old highlight tapes. 

Perhaps it was the inordinate amount of booze flowing through my veins or the fact that I had been up for two days, but the solace I needed was immediately received.  Walter dashed up the field like a gazelle, plowing through defenders like Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl.  MJ seemed 5 steps faster than the other players as he sliced and diced his way to a championship.  The Irish took the field to butt heads with Miami displaying a confidence and swagger I haven’t seen since, well, when that shit was live two decades ago.  The ’85 Bears defense executed horrified offenses with a more gruesome and heartless approach than Jeffrey Dahmer. 

In all reality, I enjoyed watching these historical sporting events MORE.  My love for each grows every day.  The moral of the story is simple, anytime you doubt the merit of your past heroes, drink whiskey until you are obnoxiously drunk and hit up Youtube to reminisce a little.  You won’t be dissapointed……… 

Here are a few of my favorites:

Bears (DISCLAIMER: Not for the squeamish…..that’s you pussy)

Notre Dame (I’m still saying “Fuck Miami” 20 years later)

Bulls (MJ)

White Sox (This video literally gives me a raging boner when it gets going)

Blackhawks (If you haven’t seen this goal yet, prepare to be fucking blown away)

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