Sizzling NFL Draft Preview

So here we are, that magical week after the combine when the agonizing and seemingly endless wait for the upcoming draft begins.  As usual, the Bears hold the first pick AFTER every immediate impact player is off the board.  I’ve seen this frustrating scenario play out way too many fucking times in my tenure as a Middie Monster Maniac, so what do we do?

Although quarterback is one of the many huge needs, it is implausible to grab any of the bruised turds off that shelf in the first round.  I was high on Andre Woodson at one time, but would have to be high on the monkey paw to still hold that assertion.  Matt Ryan is fundamentally sound, but about as electrifying to watch as an episode of “Cops” filmed in Duluth, Minnesota.  Atlanta should make him unavailable with the 3rd pick.  Brian Brohm isn’t even worth my or your time, so that leaves Flacco, oh that fucking Flacco………. 

Joe Flacco seems to be this year’s candidate for the annual “Eby Calvin Laloosh Award.”  We’ve all seen his rocket arm, but the world will soon also peep the 5 cent head that accompanies it.  This guy is a big dumb animal, and the arrogant smug grin that accompanies a QB from DELAWARE of all fucking places is perplexing.  When he goes way too early, an inebriated Jim Drukenmiller will walk out of the Denny’s kitchen he scrubs plates in and mutter, “Thaaat used to be me bitch…….Fuuuuuck,” all moments before puking on a fat lady’s Grand Slam and passing out on the table.

Speaking of Denny’s, has any actor EVER made a more meteoric rise to fame and then likewise collapse than that jerkoff from the “Sopranos” who now hocks their shitty food?  I pray to the stars and fucking heavens above he blew all his money on booze and hookers, because that is about the only two things in the world worth going through what he is right now.   Every time I see that stupid fucking commercial where he terribly over-exaggerates a discerned look and eyebrow raise, you can bear witness to a galaxy of pain and shame in those sad eyes.  I would love to discuss this matter further, but we need to return to the true case and point, the Bears and draft day.  With QB out of the question, and needs just about everywhere on both sides, I have convinced myself the only options that make sense are the ones that don’t make any. 

Asenine pick #1: RB Rashard Mendenhall from Illinois.  Let’s face it, Cedric “The whiny fucking whore” Benson is not the answer.  This was evident well before his days in Chicago.  Any player who openly admits he would rather win the Heisman than beat his arch-rival is not only a scumbag piece of shit loser, but also lacks the necessary competetiveness to make it in the NFL.  He is either brain dead, or completely stoned out of his fucking gourd during games.  His intensity can be measured in mili- joules.  This guy is a bigger walking cancer than Marlon Brando (too soon?).  If any team is even remotely stupid enough to take his horrendous contract, I thank them, and maybe even will throw in a Cleveland Steamer. Bottom line: The offense will bite the proverbial big one this season, so why not rebuild at the only offensive position that has EVER been productive????

Asenine pick option #2: Limas Sweed WR Texas.  With Berrian on his way up north to the land where Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox had their legendary sexual escapades that created Lake Superior (look it up), this pick makes sense on paper.  The receiving corps is more depleted and packed with ice than Jasmine St. Clair was after being fucked by 1,000 guys in a row to break a record.  God bless America, and our undying ability to be loved and noticed so much, we are driven to doing demoralizing and ego-crippling acts of grotesqueness for it (see: fourhorsementattoo.com). 

Sweed is a big possesion type receiver, pretty much the only kind that is capable of catching a pass in Ron “The man with the screaming brain that tells him to pick horrible fucking plays” Turner’s offense.  The only real absurdness with this pick would be that: A) Sweed missed almost all this season with an injury.  B) There is no QB to throw him the ball.  C) There is no RB to take pressure off the receivers.  And most certainly D) The offensive line was about as effective at stopping their attackers as France was during WWII.  Wow, that pick actually fucking is absurd.

I won’t waste any more of your time.  We all know where the pick is, what we can get with it, and the only feasible option is OT.  Tait is older than Buddy Ryan will be in 10 years, and fan favorite Fred “The Drive Killer” Miller is gone (presumably and hopefully to have his jaw repeatedly broken by men much smaller than him).  With the line laying in the grass blowing bubbles at oncoming defenses last year, you can guarantee it will up the ante this season by making a pact to get Rex killed by Week 3, so Kyle can come in and take them to “Amish Acres” every Saturday before a game.   So let’s look at what will (and won’t) be on the board at #14.

  • Jake Long, Michigan (keep dreaming) 
  • Ryan Clady, Boise State (getting warmer)
  • Chris Williams, Vanderbilt (could be)
  • Sam Baker (injury concerns, just like any pussy from USC, might be)
  • Jeff Otah, Pittsburgh (will be)

Otah is the winner.  With the other three (minus Baker) likely off the board, Chicago sensibly goes with a lineman, but problems emerge when they realize the Herculian prospect:

  1. Hasn’t been playing football very long (Can’t start right away)
  2. Is almost too big (Gets beat to corner by speedy DE’s)
  3. Has a first round body, but 2nd day knowledge and technique 
  4. Is a project at best, that will be extremely high risk, high reward (i.e. Rickey Dudley)

The Bears are really up shit creek if Otah is the only OT left that is worth the 14th pick.  Regardless, in April be prepared to hear, “With the 14th pick in the 2008 NFL Draft, the Chicago Bears select Jeff Otah, Offensive Tackle, Pittsburgh,”  as I wonder if Flacco will be around in round two……….and drink a Drano cocktail.

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