It’s March……and I Don’t Have the Madness

Today is usually marked well in advance on my calendar.  For us sports fans, there really isn’t anything more exciting than that opening tip-off of the annual NCAA tournament.  It doesn’t matter if Miami-Ohio is taking on Boise St. in Duluth, Minnesota, your eyes are still permanently glued to the TV, and a cold beer is permanently glued to your hand.  We have the next four days to gorge ourselves with college basketball at its finest, and, for a few particular reasons, I am just not buying into the hooplah this year.

First of all, the brackets didn’t really create any intriguing matchups, with the exception of a Beasley vs. Mayo showdown, which was more anti-climactic than Tyson vs. Spinks.  I had K-State winning that game in my bracket, and anyone who thinks that was an upset needs to have another “Delusional Dickhead Daquiri.”  That game was a coin-flip at best.  Other than that, the only real stories going into today were, “How drunk will I get?” and “Which team will shit the bed, and ruin my bracket?” 

Every early game pretty much went as planned.  Higher seeds prevailed, and nothing shocking happened, other than Billy Packer DIDN’T drop his pants and masturbate when Kentucky took the court.  This asshole tries so hard every year to ruin the experience for everyone with his ridiculous quips and knack for stating the completely fucking obvious.  I swear he finds out who I am rooting for, and then completely goes batshit for the other team.  This theory has been alive for years, and I believe in it.

The Purdue boys brought it to a boil today, and that made this guy quite happy.  The best part was since I live in the West, I was treated to the gripping saga involving UNLV and Kent St. instead.  This was when I came to the stark realization that living out here is awesome if you like hot women and wild parties, but it ABSOLUTELY FUCKING BLOWS if you are a sports fan….

Obviously the most exciting game of the day was Duke and Belmont.  The Blue Devils were literally shitting themselves the last two minutes of that game, and Belmont played the best 39 minutes of basketball I have ever seen a 15 seed play.  They just wouldn’t fucking die, and had Puke against the ropes before Henderson went coast-to-coast to put them away.  Coach K’s face turned purple a few times, and he rocked the “I can’t fucking believe what is happening to us right now” look for 20 minutes straight.  Dickie V’s fingernails probably looked like gnarled goat penises after that one.  It was a textbook example of the infamous “Infomercial” game.

The “Infomercial” game leaves the viewer more unsatisfied in the end than any girl that has ever slept with me, and believe me, that’s pretty fucking unsatisfied.  These games are always between a juggernaut and an underdog .  The underdog plays just good enough to stay in the game, but you never truly believe they have a chance.  Every time you are ready to change the channel (“No thanks, I’m not interested”),  the ‘dog will do something miraculous to keep pace (“Wait! I’m listening, I’m listening!”).  

You end up investing the next hour or so being superfan for Holy Cross, Western Carolina, or some other shit team you have never heard of before, and we all know how it ends.  The pesky underdog falls short, and you feel as crushed afterwards as their 27 fans do.  Months later, nobody remembers the game, but you are that drunk guy in the bar talking about key plays leading to Western Carolina’s demise, and people flash a discerning/worried look like you just announced you have gonorreha in each eye.  Oh wait, that’s just me…..Until next time, keep the drinks strong, and your hatred of USC stronger.

Feel free to slap on this thread any FF picks, upset bids, or generally ridiculous comments. 

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