The NBA Playoffs…..Where “Lots of Different Shit” Happens

Anyone bored enough to watch 20 seconds or more of the 2008 NBA playoffs has been generously reminded in that short time span there’s alot of “stuff” happening in the league.  If I see one more of these ludicrous ads providing pearls of wisdom like, “The NBA playoffs, where playoffs happen,” I’m going to put a flaming bag of dog shit on my porch and moonwalk over it to divert my attention to something more meaningful, and more exciting than witnessing Rajon Rondo donate a soiled “ALF” pillowcase to a local youth shelter.

I apparently missed the headline that Isiah Thomas, fresh off propelling another basketball franchise into the 7th layer of hell, was put in charge of the league’s marketing to harpoon this year’s playoffs.  Zeke is a modern day King Midas, if of course everything Midas touched turned into a used colostomy bag instead of gold.  He is also the only man capable of creating such a catastrophic failure of an ad campaign.  Who knows, maybe in one commercial Dwight Howard will visit a homeless shelter, and feed a catatonic, wheel-chair ridden Eddy Curry chicken soup? 

Despite my animosity and drunken ill-will towards 08’s installment of the playoffs, I, like any sports fan, suffered through the first round, and managed to make a few other observations between Bourbons:

1. A “hard foul” is all of a sudden considered anything that knocks a player off balance, moves Lebron’s headband in any general direction, and EVERY player is whining their ass off over the contact.

I’m beginning to wonder if any of today’s players have ever seen footage of Bill Laimbeer, Rick Mahorn, and the other overzealous primates that comprised the 1980’s Detroit “Bad Boys” during their reign of terror.  Those guys would instantly stiffen in their short-shorts if an opposing player broke a bone, began bleeding profusely, or even died after one of their notorious hard fouls.  Michael Jordan had to run the gauntlet of torture through these assholes for nearly a half decade before finally breaking through, and getting the “star treatment” Lebron James was granted on draft day.  Shockingly, Jordan never blew a gasket, cried incessantly to the media, or retaliated against his attackers.  He simply got stronger each game, and swept them in Detroit, causing the Pistons to run to the locker room like a little child would run home after getting the piss knocked out of him in a school yard fight.  The “Sweep Revenge” series will always be in my Top 3.  The new #23, and other stars in the league with a sense of entitlement can learn alot from the 88′-91′ Bulls.  Perhaps people wouldn’t try to mangle “Queen James” if he didn’t bitch about the fouls for 20 minutes after the game.

P.S.  Lebron needs to quit doing the talcum powder clap before games, that is obviously not his.  This is a bigger rip-off than when the 85′ Bears defense used to bark like dogs, and moments later Cleveland became the “Dawg Pound,” giving every fatass piece of shit in the city a reason to be a fatass piece of shit.  Hey, to each his own……

2. The Atlanta Hawks are quite possibly the WORST road team to ever make the playoffs.

23, 19, 25, 34………..these aren’t the winning Powerball numbers folks. 

3. Chris Paul is this year’s MVP, and the Hornets are reallllllllly fucking good.

I will argue this until my death.  CP3  is hands down the most valuable player (to his team and their concept), and  is the only current player I would buy a jersey of who isn’t on the Bulls roster.  Trust me ladies and gents, if you own, or have ever thought about purchasing a Kobe jersey, this website is not for you…….seriously, fuck off.

4. The NBA will stop at nothing to secure a Celtics/Lakers finals.

I drink too much, occasionally piss myself, and have a penchant for saying things that result in black eyes or restraining orders.  However, I have never been one to give birth to wacky conspiracy theories dealing with the NBA being rigged, so I will not indulge you here.  Let’s just say, for the record, MILLIONS of viewers (aka $$$$$$$) will be ripped out of David Stern’s panties if the Jazz face off against the Magic instead.  I think after the Spurs/Pistons debacle a few years ago, it is quite obvious Stern has begun to protect his best interest (i.e. Wade shooting more free throws than the ENTIRE Detroit squad during the ’06 Eastern Conference Finals), which is his wallet, which is in his panties……

Until next time,  I’m looking forward to seeing D’Antoni turn the Bulls into an even softer team on defense………

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