I’ll admit it. During the 80’s, I was OBSESSED with professional wrestling. I’m guilty as charged. Before you tell me to have another beer and piss myself, please bear in mind I was a young child during this era. In the midst of yet another crippling bender this weekend, I gave birth to a plan. Compare every NBA superstar (past and present) to his most fitting WWF counterpart. As usual, chaos fueled by Mr. Beam ensued.
Michael Jordan—–>Hulk Hogan
This is a no-brainer. Both guys are charismatic leaders that performed in the clutch, elevated their sport to the next level, and have a fan-base that is simply without equal. These two are ambassadors for their respective sport, and both names are synonymous with the leagues they helped catapault into every person’s living room.
Wilt Chamberlain—–>Andre the Giant
Both “larger than life” icons dominated opponents with ease due to superior physical size and strength. Another similarity is each had a rival that simply couldn’t man up to them. Big John Studd got clowned numerous times by the Giant, and although Bill Russell won more titles, Wilt gave him the stick every time they faced off. Both are also deceased, and starred in horrendously shitty films (Conan the Destroyer, and the Princess Bride). I’m sure some will argue that the PB is a great movie. If that’s you, stop reading, and go play with your fucking dolls……
LeBron James—–>The Rock
LBJ is not MJ. The Rock is not Hogan. For reasons only known to Ishmael, they both sure as shit think they are, even better no less. Neither has, or will, carry the torch well enough for people to forget the past, and collectively rally around these current turd-nuggets.
Larry Bird—–>”Hitman” Bret Hart
These legends both lacked the internal skill set needed to beat opponents, so they focused on the technical aspects to dominate. Bird was the best passing forward of all-time, and did all the “little things” needed to win. Hart dismantled opponents with deadly precision, and never out-muscled, only out-worked enemies into submission. These two great champions were gym-rats that excelled despite adversity.
Charles Barkley—–>George “The Animal” Steele
Although Sir Charles looks alot like “Kamala” these days, him and Steele share some similarities that will forever link them. For instance, both were wildly popular characters, and always put on a great, completely unpredictable show. Sadly, their natural abilities were oft overshadowed by flabby physiques, and erratic behavior. Even more sadly, neither reached the mountaintop by winning a championship, which would have been well deserved.
Kobe Bryant—–>”Heart Break Kid” Shawn Michaels
Big names, big talents, big deal. Both are ego-maniacs that desperately seek the spotlight, and selfishly hog it every time the opportunity arises. I have never met a fan of Kobe or HBK that wasn’t the kind of person you would hit with a steel chair for the fuck of it. I would rather drink piss for eternity than dedicate one more word to these two…….
Julius “Dr. J” Erving—–>Ric Flair
These two juggernauts are in every semi-coherent, rational, and “not completely fucking stoned” person’s Top Ten Greatest list across the world, and believe me, they share more than just greatness. Flair carried the inferior WCW for years, and Erving did the same for the ABA. My favorite similarity is both were less than welcoming to newcomers trying to steal their thunder. Flair gave Sting cheapies left and right to remind the youngster who’s boss, and Dr. J choked the shit out of an utterly unstoppable Larry Legend after he lit Doc up with 42 points .
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