The 10 Worst Nicknames in Sports History (Players Edition)

 Steelhead is at it again….He sat down with the staple 12 pack of PBR to help him brainstorm and shit out the ten worst nicknames of all-time.  Prepare for glory….. 

10. Caron Butler aka “Tough Juice”

All urban hip-hop dictionaries aside, Butler must realize the stuffy, 60+ yr. old bureaucrats that infest the Verizon Center think his name means, “Strong, vitamin and nutrient-rich extract from a fruit or vegetable.” Click here if you would like to buy an official “Tough Juice” t-shirt, guaranteed to make you look like a complete ass, or your money back!

9. Karl Malone aka “The Mailman”

I get it.  He delivers on a daily basis.  Perhaps Tyson Chandler can be called “The Janitor,” since he cleans the glass, or Chris Osgood “The Plumber,” because he protects the pipes.  Just like the real mailmen, Malone never delivered on time, or during playoff games that took place on Saturday or Sunday.

 8. Ivan Rodriguez aka “Pudge”

There are 2 simple rules that go with nicknames:

1. You can’t give yourself one

2. You can’t use one that is already taken

Perhaps I-Rod would have understood this simple mantra if it was written in steroids.

Watch the real “Pudge” here doing what he did best….EAT:

7. Harold Henry Reese aka “Pee Wee”

I think it’s a safe assumption that anyone nicknamed “Pee Wee” exponentially decreases their chances of getting laid, or having a harem of groupies.  Reese was never invited to the hotel bar by teammates during a road trip  for this sole reason.  He spent alot of time in his room playing X-Box with Nate “Tiny” Archibald.

6. Onterrio Smith aka “The Whizzinator”

Pretty self-explanatory.  The guy is named after a strap-on dildo that holds clean piss, for up to 8 hours, so you can fool a drug test.  He shaved “S.O.D” into the back of his head on draft day to let everyone know who the “Steal of the Draft” was, but steal this: Poor Whizzy lasted only 2 seasons in the NFL, and it looks like the biggest steal was any check he may have cashed that had “Minnesota Vikings” printed on it.  If you would like more information on this revolutionary product, visit the official whizzinator website.

5. Guy LaFleur aka “The Flower”

This guy should have gotten the ever-living shit kicked out of him for this one.  The only possible exemption I’ll make to this nickname not being horrible is if the flower in question is the one from “Super Mario Bros.” that gives you the ability to throw fireballs. 

4. Vinnie Johnson aka “The Microwave”

To me, not too many things were more painful than watching Johnson force up horrible shots in playoff games.  The fact that a few of said shots miraculously went in apparently gave Detroit the license to label him….after the decade’s most popular home appliance!!!  I would have personally went with, Vinnie “The fat, disgusting slob who got shit lucky on that shot” Johnson.  Fuck the Pistons….. Take a look at what I’m talking about:

3. Eric Esch aka “Butterbean”

“Smokin,” “The Greatest,” “Sugar Ray,” “Marvelous,” “Hitman,”……………”Butterbean?”  What the fuck?  I have a feeling Esch and Pernell “Sweet Pea” Whitaker are clients of the same agent, Tommy “Pumpkin Patch” Czervik. 

2. Rod Smart aka “He Hate Me”

This one could just as easily been #2 on my list for BEST nicknames ever.  Never, and I mean NEVER, has such an obscure and insignificant player made such a huge impact with a mere nickname.  Smart is literally the one and only memory most people have of the XFL, and still enjoys a cult following.  He will forever be a link to our past.  Learn the origin of “He Hate Me” in Smart’s wikipedia file.

1. Najeh Davenport aka “The Dumptruck”

At first glance, this one is quite unassuming.  The guy is big, plays fullback, and the shoe fits.  Unfortunately, Davenport earned this nickname for actions that didn’t take place on the field.  Back in Miami, he got blacked out drunk, stumbled into a random girl’s dorm room, and preceded to take a huge shit in her hamper.  He was arrested, despite an obvious effort to keep it in the confines of what appeared to be a toilet.  I can’t make this “shit” up, so take a peek yourself.

Stay Tuned for: “The 10 Best Nicknames in Sports History”

1 Comment(s)

  1. Comment by paul on June 1, 2012 3:44 pm

    Tim Duncan big fundamental. Not cool just laim

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