Back in the day, I played NES until my hands got sore. Mario, Zelda, Metroid….you name it. There wasn’t a title out there I wouldn’t play the shit out of. My game collection was modest, but definitely diverse. This all changed when Tecmo released “Tecmo Super Bowl,” a sequel to the popular football game “Tecmo Bowl.” My game library dropped to one volume that glorious day…..
I will argue (even sober) that TSB is the greatest video game of all-time, for ANY system. The replay value is through the fucking roof, and it was the first sports game that is enjoyable to play alone, for it tracked stats and had a season mode. Late-night drunken TSB tournaments accounted for one of my more dubious report cards in college.
Anyone who has played the game knows certain players are studs, so I won’t waste your time too much re-hashing vomit you have already spewed. In my humble opinion, the 12 best players (most recognized that is, in no particular order): Randall Cunningham, Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, Lawrence Taylor, Christian Okoye, Bo Jackson, Derrick Thomas, Bruce Smith, Ronnie Lott, Thurman Thomas, Barry Sanders, and Andre Rison. Although that particular dozen is in fact quite unstoppable, here are 12 that you may have overlooked.
12. Bob Nelson, DT Packers
Alright….I obviously didn’t play as the Packers, so before you tell me to go fuck a block of cheese and stock up on camo for the hunting season, hear me out. Nelson’s attributes aren’t all that stunning, but for some reason, he is the game’s MASTER of the “up then under” sack technique. That is when you move the NT up after the ball is snapped, then go back down diagonally to open a free lane. 8-Bit Jim Harbaugh was paralyzed numerous times because of this dickhead…….
11. Brad Muster-FB Bears, Craig “Ironhead” Heyward-FB Saints, Reggie Cobb-FB Buccaneers
I lump the three together because they share a common attribute that makes them great: a hitting power of 94. Nothing was more irritating than watching Christian “The Nigerian Nightmare” Okoye plow through your defense, throwing guys aside like little rag dolls. Although the trio at #11 isn’t as fast, they surely can steamroll your buddies defense, sending him to a catatonic state of grace.
10. Rodney Holman, TE Bengals
Holman is one of the best tight ends in the game, but guys like Jay Novacek and Keith Jackson get all the pub. Holman was sure-handed, and possesses a 69 in both rushing power, and hitting power. He is a very deadly target when put in the right formations.
9. Willie “Flipper” Anderson, WR Rams
The Rams are known for Henry Ellard’s eye-popping 81 in receptions, which is tied for highest in the game with few others. Flipper is a 75…… So when Dudley Dumbass double-teams Ellard because he has to, air it out to Flipper, who’s cousins with Snowflake.
8. Greg Townsend, DE Raiders
Since you obviously picked the Raiders for the sole purpose of rushing for 1,000 yards in one game with Bo, you will need quick defensive stops. Townsend boasts an impressive 63 hitting power. Match that with his 69 quickness, and you will be doing the “I just sacked you ass, how’s it feel bitch?” dance in between 99 yard touchdown scampers.
7. Billy Joe Tolliver, QB Chargers
He pretty much sucks, but isn’t completely as worthless as the name “Billy Joe.” BJT’s throwing speed is a hand splitting 81. Only Marino has comparable heat. With viable WR Anthony Miller, you will be in the end-zone, celebrating, then kicking the extra point before your stoned friend can even ask, “Dude, where’s the ball?”
6. Bobby Humphrey, RB Broncos
You don’t hear many people bragging that they scored 11 touchdowns in one game with Bobby Humphrey. That’s because they’ve never tried. Running behind the Bronc’s above average offensive line, Humphrey can get loose quite easily with his 69 rushing power, and 63 maximum speed.
*Nothing drops panties in a bar quicker than:
YOU: “Hey Babe. Did you know I once rushed for 857 yards and 11 touchdowns in one game with Bobby Humphrey on Tecmo Super Bowl?”
HER: “I WANT YOU!!!!! Every other creep uses that line with Bo Jackson or Barry Sanders, like it’s some accomplishment………..Why don’t we go back to my place, and I’ll tell you about the time I recorded 17 sacks with Bill Pickel.”
5. Ken Harvey, LB Cardinals
Harvey is a solid linebacker that can make the stop you need. This is good, since the rest of the Cardinals defense sucks more than the new “Indiana Jones.” Key attributes: 63 quickness, 63 hitting power
4. Richard Dent, DE Bears
I know…..How could a Super Bowl MVP be underrated? Here’s why: 99.9% of the time, people control Singletary when on defense. On a side-note, I think it would have been great if the one personal touch to the 8-Bit players was Samurai wearing his infamous Lens-Crafters glasses. Anyhoo, Dent is sick with the quickness (75), and can plow through linemen when needed. I’m kind of an expert here because I personally sought retribution with Dent many times after Bob “Lardass” Nelson crippled 8-Bit Harbaugh.
3. David Fulcher, S Bengals
This guy is fucking unreal…..Let me say it again, FUCKING UNREAL. 75 in quickness and hitting power, 69 in maximum speed and interceptions. He is an animal, and puts Ronnie Lott’s high attributes to shame. Quite possibly the best all-around defender in the game.
2. Keith Millard, LB Vikings
Here we go again…….Before you tell me to put on purple panties and move north, I never play as the Vikings…..EVER. This doesn’t relieve me of what I’m about to say though, which is as painful as it is shocking: THE VIKINGS HAVE THE BEST DEFENSE ON THE GAME. PERIOD. Between Chris Doleman, Joey Browner, and Keith Millard, 8-Bit Harbaugh will be shitting in a bag the rest of his days. Millard is a stark-raving lunatic in that fucking game. Hitting power 69, quickness 81, maximum speed 56. He is easily a top 5 linebacker in the game, and, if you don’t believe me, ask 8-Bit Jim, who just regained feeling in his 8-Bit testicles.
1. Wayne Haddix, CB Buccaneers
Most people ask, “Who the fuck is Wayne Haddix?” Only the die-hards know about this guy. Haddix is a one-man defense, and trust me, he has to be. The rest of the “Yucks” defense runs around like little orange clowns, often over-pursuing, getting pushed aside, and ultimately getting burned for 6. Haddix and Cobb are the only chance you have of making Tampa “Super Champions.” He has blazing maximum speed (75), can pick off anything in the same area code, for interceptions are 75, and his quickness is a respectable 69.
So that’s my list……..Send comments on anyone you think I omitted
I DON’T EVEN HAVE A JOKE FOR THIS PICTURE…
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