Bears Mini-Camp Resembles “3 Ring Circus”

With mini-camp officially underway, and a few surprise faces in the crowd of blue and orange, the Middie Monsters look to get down to business after a less than banner off-season.  Many questions will be answered over the next few weeks, and leave it to Steelhead to highlight the most notable….. 

Question 1: Who will win the quarterback battle?

This is perhaps the most intriguing storyline leading up to the pre-season, with Rex Grossman  slightly ahead of Kyle Orton as we speak.  The duel is truly an example of picking the lesser of two evils.  A real-life comparison would be if your girlfriend asked you, “Would you like to watch The Wedding Planner, or The Notebook?”  You sure as shit don’t want to sit through either and listen to her boo-hoo like Dick Vermeil at a press conference the whole time, but you suck it up and choose, in hopes of getting laid.   

It’s impossbile to be sold on either one of these chick-flicks in uniform.  Orton has yet to show he can carry an offense and make big plays, and Grossman, as we all know, is the most inconsistent quarterback of this decade, thanks largely to small carnie hands, horrendous decision making skills, and happy feet.  Any way you slice it, this position is destined to giftwrap at least 3 + games in ’08 for the opposition.

Winner: Grossman (Until his 4 INT meltdown in Week 3)

Question 2: Will the contract situations become a factor in ’08?

Brian Urlacher and Tommie Harris encouraged fans by showing up at camp, but, make no mistake, neither is happy with old Papa Bear’s business.  Both feel they have outplayed their current contracts, and more Benjamins will be required for continued service from two of the defense’s biggest juggernauts.   

Urlacher has been quite vocal about his discontent.  Fresh off neck surgery, and beginning to realize his mortality, #54 is desperately trying to cash in before a stellar career is possibly cut short due to injury.  I normally don’t side with players when they are bitching about money, but this is definitely an exception.  Urlacher has been the face of the Bears organization for almost 10 years, and has every right to tell the cheap front office brass, “FUCK YOU….PAY ME!!”

Harris, on the other hand, still has a little left to prove before stinking up the sidelines with contract controversy.  I do realize that defensive tackles are at premium in the NFL, the best ones make more money than the entire state of Mississippi, and #91 is certainly one of the best…….BUT, this big guy isn’t without durability issues.

Harris has undergone surgery twice in the last two seasons, both on his lower half.  300 lb. dancing bears can only function at 100% for so long before their wheels begin to show too much tread.  He wants, and deserves top 5 money, but I actually don’t blame the eternal moron in charge for being apprehensive about locking him up long-term, and shelling out piles of cash to a liability.

Bottom Line: Urlacher and Harris are the key to a winning season, and I can only hope both are happy and healthy enough to take the field in Week 1.

Question 3: Will Cedric Benson’s arrest make his shitty attitude and shitty production even shittier?

Oh how far the once mighty have fallen.  Once a perrenial Heisman threat at Texas, now just a perrenial laughingstock in locker rooms around the league.  Ah, let me count the ways Cedric Benson  has been a thorn in my side:

1. Publicly decreeing he’d rather win a Heisman than beat Oklahoma (selfish asshole)

2. Bears draft him, and I really wanted Derrick Johnson or Jamaal Brown.  This causes a drunken stupor, with the culminating event the burning of my vintage “Super Bowl XX Champs” stocking hat (Steelhead=Selfish asshole)

3. Holds out (selfish asshole)

4. Is so unfriendly and abrasive to teammates they openly gun for him in camp (rude asshole)

5. Due to a mammoth contract, runs fan favorite and widely respected Thomas Jones out of town (overpaid asshole)

6. Fails to break the elusive 700 yard barrier in ’07, averaging a meager 3.4 YPC (overpaid asshole)

7. Gets arrested for being drunk and defiant moments before camp (selfish asshole)

In lieu of everything, I truly think the arrest is the jolt this cat needed.  8 lives are gone, and he realizes this.  #32 has his back against the wall, and 2008 is his time to prove all the doubters, nay-sayers, and cynics wrong.  We’re rooting for you Benson, but keep in mind WE HAVE TO. 

Question 4: Which rookie will make the biggest impact in ’08?

With Benson’s troubles looming larger than Nell Carter’s fat ass in hot pants, Matt Forte is certainly the sexy pick here.  I’m not sexy, or sober, so let’s go against the grain here.


WR Marcus Monk

Even with a fragile, volatile, unpredictable quarterback spot, I still feel Monk will shine.  Since the receiving corps is more depleted than Peter North after 8 hours of filming, he should get some good looks and routes.  At 6’4,” expect to see him in the red zone all 11 times the Bears make it there this season. 


DT Marcus Harrison  

Harrison, like Monk, went to academic powerhouse Arkansas, and is joining a position corps that is very thin.  Expect to see him get a series or two early and often.  With Tommie in doubt, and being eased back in regardless, this kid has a chance right now.

Stay tuned for more Bears news, gossip, and grab ass……

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