The Ten Most Badass Nicknames in Sports History : #4-1

Dear Readers,

Here at 4HT, we take great pride in our bottom-feeding status, but even more in our impeccable integrity, which has recently been compromised.  It has been brought to my attention that our writer, Steelhead, promised to reveal the top 4 of a running list of “badass sports nicknames” yesterday, and did not come through.  I confronted SH on the issue, and, what I could gather from his slurred, monosyballic rant was something about, “I meant tomorrow for the Asian readers, who are a day ahead….”  Instead of dousing him in kerosene and throwing a match, I decided to give him a shot at redemption, and we can assure you this won’t happen again.

Sincerely,

                      The Editors at 4HT

Wow.  Only the editors of a rinky-dink sports blog written by a gastropod such as myself would throw a hissy fit about being a day late.  I am the same guy who went to a strip club before my senior prom, and ended up picking my horrified, hysterically crying date up 2 hours late.  Apparently “cleaning the pipes” is a term unfamiliar to women.  Anyhoo, let’s dive back into the list before an oncoming hangover consumes my soul.

4. Bernard Hopkins aka “The Executioner”

I admit this name is a little more in the “ridiculously over the top” category, but Hopkins was one of my idols growing up.  USA Network’s Tuesday Night Fights was a staple of my TV repetouire, and I was mesmerized the first time Hopkins entered the ring wearing a robe/mask that resembled a medieval executioner about to cut someone’s head off.  Sure he spent part of his prime in prison, and held on way too long, but Hopkins dutifully earned his title, finishing (??) a stellar career at 48-5-1 with 32 KO’s. 

3. Naim Suleimanov aka “Pocket Hercules”

Suleimanov was a little guy, rising less than 5 feet off the ground (4′ 11″), but goddamn could he raise some iron.  Pocket Hercules set 46 world weightlifting records, and was revealed to the public eye during the 1992 Summer Games in Barcelona.  I am willing to bet Suleimanov would whip the shit out of any of the lesser known Monster in My Pocket toys from back in the day.  Hell, I’d take him over the popular M.U.S.C.L.E. guys too.

2. Christian Okoye aka “The Nigerian Nightmare”

Okoye was every bit a nightmare for opposing defenses, smashing, pummeling, and destroying anyone who he crossed paths with.  His legend lives way beyond the realm of real life, for his character in Tecmo Super Bowl is still heralded as one of the most dominating video game characters of all-time.  Don’t believe me? Check this out….

1. Andrei Kirilenko aka “AK-47”

I admit it.  Kirilenko is BY FAR the least badass member of this list, but his nickname instantly catapaults him to the top spot.  He looks like Ivan Drago with a heroin addiction, but there isn’t a more fitting name.  He is Russian, wears number 47, and has the initials AK.  It didn’t take Stephen Hawking to come up with such a gem, but how bad ass is it?  Not only does it celebrate the world’s finest piece of killing machinery, it makes David Stern’s panties fill with sugar every time he hears it.  In my book, that’s about as badass as you can get.

Well I’m off to Happy Hour, since I’m sure somehwere in Asia it is that time right now,

Steelhead

2 Comments

  1. Comment by DiaperDandy on June 13, 2008 1:08 pm

    Adding to the coolness of Kirilenko’s “AK-47” nickname is the fact (FACT!!!) that the automatic rifle of the same nickname was invented and manufactured in his home town. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Izhevsk).
    This nickname makes way more sense than the one given to the team on which Andrei plays. Get serious. The Utah JAZZ??? Let’s face it, there’s nothing “jazzy” in Utah.
    Talk about the stars aligning.

  2. Comment by Josh on June 17, 2008 10:10 am

    I’ll agree about AK-47 taking the top spot.. in fact I was hoping my Phoenix Suns would have picked him up last year just so I could cheer for a guy named after a gun.

    And to be fair to Utah (that may be the first and only time I ever say that), the Jazz were originally from New Orleans.

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