Packers Interested in Jason Taylor…..And 10 Other Irrelevant Blurbs

Wow.  The Green Pay Packers have expressed interest in acquiring all-world defensive end Jason Taylor from the Dolphins.  I just spit my PBR all over the monitor after reading that.  This is probably one of the most shocking headlines of the last quarter century. 

I really can’t think of any other team that would be interested in an all-pro pass rusher, that is a perennial top 10 sack leader, that doesn’t have any character issues, other than skipping practice to wear sleazy silk shirts and make a complete ass of himself dancing on national television.  There are approximately only 31 other teams, besides the Packers, that would benefit from Taylor’s services. 

This “breaking story” resembles the Packers themselves, for it is obnoxious, useless, and desperate.  You know it is a slow news day when a revelation of this ineptitude is considered insightful.  The attention whores in Green Bay pulled this same shit last year, admitting they could use one of the best receivers in the game, Randy Moss. 

After doing some careful digging, I have unearthed 10 other pseudo-headlines guaranteed to leave you scratching your head, which is better than scratching your balls.  Sicko.

10.  Lions want to win Super Bowl in ’08-’09

That’s nice.  It’s good to see Matt Millen is optimistic that a title can be won by a team that’s roster is comprised of 40% burned out wide receivers.  Although Detroit may claim they are the only team with this vision, I can think of a few more that probably share the same lofty goal, and it’s every other team, minus the Cardinals.  They’re just happy to be here. 

9. Pirates would love to have A-Rod

Hmmmmm.  So you’re trying to tell me Pittsburgh would be happy if the best player in baseball was a Pirate?  No freaking way.  What’s next?  Is Lou Pinella going to admit he’d be “tickled pink” if the Cubs won it all?  Logistically, A-Rod wouldn’t be a good fit with the Bucs, for he makes more than their whole team, farm ball guys included. 

8. Baseball player hopes to beat cancer

This guy wants to live dammit! Don’t you dare stop him! Lesson here: Life > Death

7. Drunken soccer fans burn down building

Interesting.  I was under the impression that drunken soccer fans were the cordial, courteous types that spent time with Jimmy Carter after games helping “Habitat for Humanity.”  Nevermind, thats the 14 WNBA fans.

6. BMX biker shatters femur, 3 ribs in crash

Ahoy Captain Obvious.  I’ll write this down, so as not to forget.  “DO NOT fall 40 feet, something bad will happen.”

5. De La Hoya trains for fight with Mayweather

I see.  “The Golden Boy” thinks exercise, weights, and sparring will help increse his chances of winning an exhausting, 12 round fight.  My training regiment consists of a 12 pack of PBR cans, a handle of Beam, and a carton of unfiltered cigarettes.  Perhaps this is why school bully Tyrone “Bad News” Williams used to kick the shit out of us every day.  Thanks ESPN, you were about 2 decades too late.

4. Sox hope to end 5 game skid

Wait.  Winning is good? Losing is bad?  Teams take the field with the intent of winning?  Do not share this with Clipper fans please…..

3. Another Cincinnati Bengal arrested over weekend

Surely you jest.  How could another Bengal go to jail?  I thought the 15th one was the charm, righting the ship.  Guess not.  At least the county jail has been nice enough to reserve a wing for bad Bengals.  Honorary Bengals include: Ray Lewis, Cedric Benson, OJ Simpson, Jared Allen, Nate Newton, and the rest of the 1996 Cowboys.

2. Bulls excited to have top pick in upcoming draft

Really?  Kudos to Pax & co. for showing emotion after winning the lottery with less than a 1/50 chance.  If things would have went as planned, might this headline read: “Bulls indifferent about having ninth pick” or “Bulls on suicide watch after getting 13th pick?” 

1. Former USC football star under investigation for accepting cash, gifts

This headline shocked the world.  Southern Cal, known for recruiting only the most upstanding young men focused on academics, apparently pulled some shady shit.  I hope the “One Peat” was worth it…..

1 Comment(s)

  1. Comment by pignipple on July 8, 2008 10:52 am

    “Ozzie enjoys an occasional after dinner coctail”

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