13 athletes who deserve to be chokeslammed by “The Big Show”

It is commonplace to hear the term “cancer in the locker room” or “prima donna” when describing certain athletes.  No matter how rich, talented, and loved these guys are, it just isn’t enough.  I carry a strong amount of disdain for said guys, and have concluded that if I was teammates with such a character, he would get relentlessly beaten with a bar of soap in a sock during training camp, ala Full Metal Jacket.  Since the general public is a tad more docile than old Steelhead, we will not be throwing a “blanket party” today.  Instead, these 13 drama queens and general headaches will get a healthy chokeslam, compliments of The Big Show, and, as always, enjoy the show..

10. David Beckham, M Los Angeles Galaxy

Becks probably makes more money per year than than the entire MLS.  He was all you heard about when he jumped the pond to go to the City of Angels, and that didn’t sit too well with teammates, who have been grinding it out for years.  The guy is a decent person and gifted player , but I’d still send in Big Show to establish who really runs the show.

9. Chad Johnson, WR Cincinnati Bengals

“Ocho Cinco” has electrified crowds and played the game of football with passion for almost a decade.  The puzzling meltdown this off-season has tarnished his edgy, yet effective image.  As an athlete, you A) Never demand a trade or B) Throw teammates under the bus publicly.  Johnson did both, so now it’s time for The Giant to throw him under the mat.

8. Gary Sheffield, DH Detroit Tigers

Sheff has made more enemies than friends throughout his injury riddled career, and has played for an astounding 7 teams along the way.  Any athlete who tours this fiercely screams, “Screw everyone, I want money, I want it now, I want money, I don’t care if we win, I want money, I want my own suite away from my teammates, I want money….”  Perhaps The Big Show can “pay” him with a thunderous chokeslam.

7. Sasha Vujacic, G Los Angeles Lakers/ Rafael Nadal, Tennis Dude

These two pretty-boys remind me of each other, so I’m lumping them together.  Has any single person made the NBA Playoffs less enjoyable to watch than Vujacic?  His moussed mane, feminine flopping around the court, and tear filled eyes after every foul call made for hysterical comedy, but not entertaining basketball.  I don’t know a single thing about Sasha’s look-alike Nadal, other than he won Wimbledon, bit the trophy in a creepy, provacative manner, and I’ve had to watch it for a week straight.  Not happy.  If this is a tradition of his, I sincerely hope Roger Federer wins the next 60 Grand Slam events……Here’s our first double chokeslam of the list.

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The Big Show is excited for this one……..

6. Stephon Marbury, G New York Knicks/ Isiah Thomas, General Idiot, New York Knicks

In the immortal words of Saved by the Bell’s Mr. Belding, “Hey, hey, hey what is going on here?”  How ironic is it that NBA’s most cancerous player (Marbury) would butt heads with the NBA’s most cancerous coach (Thomas)?  These two bickering about authority and professional knowledge is like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton arguing over who is smarter, or Peyton Manning and Larry Bird arguing over who is blacker.  Makes no sense, but our second double chokeslam in a row certainly does.

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Zeke: “Trust me Starbury, I set the Raptors back 10 years, bankrupted the CBA, kept the Pacers out of the Finals, and now soiled one of the NBA’s greatest franchises.  You ain’t got shit on me.”

Marbury: “Did you know I was drafted by the Bucks and traded to the Timberwolves for Ray Allen?  Or I was traded to the Suns for Jason Kidd? Or I am going to make $22 million next season?  Or I was part of the 2004 Olympic Team?”

Zeke: “Let’s just shake hands and call it an even draw.”

5. Jeremy Shockey, TE New York Giants

Shockey has joined the immortal pantheon of “The Dennis Rodman Sideshow/Horrible Teammate All-Stars” at a young age.  Never has a player been as self-centered, ego-centric, and cancerous to his franchise.  The guy wasn’t even on the sidelines for the Giants Super Bowl victory, so now he is sidelined, permanently, by a vicious chokeslam, courtesy of Big Show.

4. Terrell Owens, WR Dallas Cowboys

“Get your popcorn ready,” unless, of course, Owens throws a temper tantrum for not getting 30 touches a game.  This eternal timebomb is a nightmare to play with, and will complain about anything and everything, except of course his uncanny ability to drop passes.  T.O. may have 25 million reasons to be alive, but there are just as many reasons he deserves the Big Show’s wrath.

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“Oh please no……not a Big Show chokeslam!  It was Tony’s fault! Slam him!”

3. Barry Bonds, Unemployed Home Run King*/ Cedric Benson, Unemployed Alcoholic

How far the mighty have fallen.  Barry was on top of the world a year ago, now he’s desperately seeking work.  Bonds fought with numerous teammates and coaches during his career, and has solidfied a legacy as professional sports most controversial, tempermental, and enigmatic personality of all-time.  Benson has become a charter member of the “Jared Allen Dip-Shit Hall of Fame” after 2 alcohol related arrests this summer, and has harpooned any chance of a legitimate stint in the NFL.  He will go down as the worst draft pick in Chicago Bears history.  Somewhere out there, Curtis Enis just let out a sigh of relief.  I hope the Big Show’s arms aren’t tired yet, because here comes double chokeslam number three. 

2. Alex Rodriguez, 3rd Base New York Yankees

A-Rod makes almost $30 million a year, is under the ridiculous scrutiny of the New York media, and is notorious for folding under pressure.  To combat this, he allegedly has an affair with Madonna, and is divorcing his wife, all in the middle of a pennant race.  Talk about a guy putting the team first, and keeping the locker room circus-free.  I think it’s time A-Rod divorces consciousness, and receives a punishing Big Show chokeslam.  Somehwhere Derek Jeter is secretly giggling.

1. Kobe Bryant, G Los Angeles Lakers

This comes as no shock to my regulars.  Kobe is the antithesis of team-oriented.  His selfishness, defiance to authority, and beratement of temmates during games puts him at the top of any list.  Bryant’s dissappearing act during the Finals destroyed any credibility he had with the rest of the organization.  Odom, Fisher and company put up with Kobe all year for the prospect of a championship.  Now that it’s gone, looooook out.  Take a break Big Show, I have a feeling the Lakers will happily take over your duties…………

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“Who wants to go out after the game? Guys? Guys…..?   OH MY GOD!!!”

Feel free to send your reccomendations for athletes deserving of a Big Show chokeslam

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