“Jason” Morneau Wins Home Run Derby while Hamilton, Utley Steal Show

The 2008 State Farm Home Run Derby was mandatory viewing for old Steelhead, compliments of the editors.  I haven’t been a fan of the derby in 10 years, and honestly would have rather watched a WNBA game last night.  After 30 minutes of kicking and screaming, I finally sat down, cracked a Blue Ribbon, and tried to enjoy a show that was void of any true superstars.  My disdain quickly shifted to utter delight during the player introductions when notorious class-act Chase Utley yelled, “Boo????? Fuck You!” on national television to the Yankee faithful. 

With the ball officially rolling, things only got better.  Here are the highlights:

1. ESPN broke a world record for using the word “heroin,” “cocaine,” and “addiction” an astounding 17,932 times during the telecast while describing Josh Hamilton’s checkered past.

As if the guy isn’t embarrassed enough already, ESPN has to mention every 13 seconds that Hamilton abused drugs, spent time in jail, and took a hard road to recovery, rubbing it in his face.  What’s next for the encore? Are the announcers going to mention that Tony Dungy’s son committed suicide every 3 plays during the Colts first Monday night game?  Why does it always have to be about the negative?  That isn’t a story the media is building and sharing, it’s the media being inconsiderate pricks.  Anyhoo……

2. Erin Andrews dressed like a Swedish nurse, and clamored for the spotlight 576 times, shattering her previous record of 439. 

Don’t get me wrong, EA is to me what Michele Tafoya is to Doc Rivers, but you gotta draw a line in the sand.  This is baseball, not sex.  Get dumpy ass Pete Rose out there to do the interviews, and maybe the players would answer the questions insightfully, and not mumble while staring directly at EA’s boobs.  She needs to be stopped.  Key Stat: I noticed her look directly into the camera when she wasn’t in the shot at least 7 times last night.

3. Claybon Counsil is the best BP pitcher of all-time.

The guy is 71 one years old, and is zipping meatballs precisely where Josh Hamilton can crush them 500 + feet everytime.  He threw 54 pitches in the first round alone.  If you do the math, this means only 16 of Counsil’s pitches were passed on.  At least 3 of said pitches were passed because Hamilton kept getting mugged by teammates after colossal shots.  I almost missed Josh’s thrilling performance because I kept banging my head on the table every time a reporter or announcer said “heroin.” 

4. Yankee fans are still Yankee fans

David Ortiz walks to the diamond to slap and tickle Hamilton during his fireworks display, and the crowd erupts in boos.  The funny part about the transaction is that A) Some Yankee fans were booing because Papi is a member of the hated Red Sox, and B) Some Yankee fans were booing to say, “Hey fat ass, waddle back to the baseline, and let the fucking guy hit for God’s sake.  We’re enjoying this…”

After one of Hamilton’s dead center shots, two teenage punks go sprinting into the “forbidden zone” for the ball, get into a shoving match, and one is subsequently choked by an overzealous NYC cop and hauled through the mysterious exit in center-field.  Rumor has it that tunnel leads straight to hell, or a hot dog stand, I forget how the legend goes. 

Every home run ball caught by a thirtysomething bald man is followed by a minute long celebration, as if he just won the World Series with the catch.  It is quite obvious only bald men in their thirties have the testicular fortitude to bring a baseball glove and wear a personalized jersey to the ballpark.

5. Justin Morneau is now hated by more than just White Sox fans

Morneau is called classy by his legions of fans in Minniesooooduh, but look how well that term worked out for Chase “SH’s new favorite player” Utley last night. A highlight for me was ESPN spending a whopping 22 seconds on the trophy presentation after the derby, and the presenter calling him “Jason” Morneau.  Perhaps the arrogant Twinkie first basemen, who wears his trademark smug grin better than his twin brother Kevin Bacon could ever dream of, will finally realize nobody gives a shit about him or the Twinks.  If Morneau is as classy as some say, then the following would have occurred last night.

1. Morneau, after tanking the Win a Car Challenge, tells the contestant, “I was AL MVP in 2006, I make millions of dollars, and I live in Minnesota, which has a standard of living cheaper than Alabama.  You know what? Fuck it.  I’ll BUY you that car buddy!”

2. Morneau doesn’t accept the trophy while saying, “You know what Hamilton, you have alot of courage to bounce back from a heroin and cocaine addiction.  You hit more home runs in round one than I did all night.  It is quite obvious you are the real champion here, and you should be the one accepting this trophy, not me.  I was never addicted to heroin or cocaine.  Look, Erin Andrews is sneaking into the shot, let’s $%#@ that bitch.  Anyways, I never needed heroin or cocaine to enjoy myself, just a Paul Bunyan blow up doll and…….Is this thing on?”

Let’s get serious.  The Home Run Derby is 100% individual effort, not team, and Josh Hamilton deserved the accolade of winning it.  This isn’t Jordan scoring 63 points in the playoffs, but losing to a better team.  This is Hamilton hitting 35 homers, and Morneau 22.  Case closed.  Until next time……

1 Comment(s)

  1. Comment by Mike on May 25, 2009 9:11 pm

    Moron, Morneau gave credit to Hamilton, he said he wasn’t the real winner

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