Steelhead sees “The Dark Night,” Hilarium Ensues

Last night, after recovering from a crippling hangover that it appears some of you already know about, I went to a midnight screening of The Dark Knight: The Imax Experience.  For the record, I am not a huge fan of superhero movies, with the exception of 80’s classics Teen Wolf and Zapped.  My expectations were understandably low, but the evening provided enough excitement off the screen to share with the masses through a “Dark Night Diary.”  Don’t worry, I won’t be blurting out any spoilers here, just recalling a night riddled with awkward moments, and strange people.  Away we go…

Dark Knight Diary 

9:30 PM: Our show starts at 11:15, and here we are already getting in line.  Fanboys of every age and color are milling around, waiting to see Batman on the silver screen for the 7th time this weekend.  Some of these people are downright creepy, and I’m regretting my decision to be here already.

9:45 PM: I drank two Monster energy drinks on the way to the theater, so urine is literally spilling out of my boxers like an unstoppable ’85 Bears blitz at this point.  I go to relieve myself, and return to see the line has doubled in size.  My buddy goes to grab some drinks and popcorn, and returns with the biggest fucking cup of pop I’ve ever seen in my life.  The movies have finally perfected the “Bladderbuster.”  It is brought to my attention the show is 2 and a half hours long, I don’t stand a chance….

10:00 PM: Slightly agitated from waiting, and slightly buzzed from the inordinate amount of sugar and caffeine in my body, I get bored and begin to listen to what people around us are saying.  Here are the highlights:

1) Two thirtysomething nerds behind me are arguing over the Batman series with the vigor of Tony Little.  One is rambling on about how much he loves Tim Burton and the first two movies, while the other defends the newest two.  I see this escalating quickly, and a vicious slap fight ensuing.  This could seriously end with one of the geeks needing mom to pull the station wagon up earlier than expected tonight.  For the first time, I feel a little happy to be here.

2) A group of meatheads, all whiter than Casper, and more suburban than Carlton Banks, stand around wearing trendy baseball hats with a straight bill and stickers intact.  They are rambling on about sports, naturally never once saying anything even remotely insightful or interesting.  Finally, one of the ringleaders inexplicably mutters, “Dude, I really think I would trade Barbosa for Artest.”  I spit my drink out, and yell, “Dude, I really think I would trade Noah for Duncan,” and roll my eyes in disgust.  He is not amused.

10:15 PM: The gate finally opens.  Part of me is a little dissapointed, for I was really enjoying the locals.  We get a decent seat towards the middle, and I finish the bladder crippling “Pop of Doom.” 

10:30 PM: The place is getting packed quickly.  In about 5 minutes, it will be nut to butt.  I notice there is a lone empty seat in the aisle next to me, and terror sets in.  The only person who could possibly plop in here is the dreaded, “I’m at the movies by myself because I’m completely insane and awkward” guy.  Approximately 3 minutes after the revelation, we have a winner.  A bald man in his 40’s scooches in, complete with a Wal-Mart bag filled with candy.  Take me home NOW. 

10:45 PM: I rip through a bag of Sour Patch Kids in record time.  The roof of my mouth, teeth, and tongue are smarting.  It feels like someone poured battery acid in there.  Time for more pop.  During my bout of searing pain, the screen finally starts to show commercials/etc.  They play this Jason Mraz song, and it really sucks.  My buddy reveals, “This is the worst fucking song I’ve ever heard in my life.” Instantaneously, lonely guy jumps into our conversation.  He tells me, “Well that lake in Switzerland, the ice went out from under it.”  I stare at him in undeterred confusion for at least 5 seconds, and spend the next 5 minutes wondering what the fuck just happened.  This guy is going to shank me when the lights go out, and I’m scared.

11:00 PM: There are at least 6 people looking for seats, and only 4 are available.  This douchbag has been holding them since 10:15, and people are starting to get upset.  I smell a riot.  To pour gas on the fire, I yell, “Dude, she ain’t coming…….Give your seats to someone else, because that date you set up over the internet obviously isn’t going to happen tonight.”  I am theater royalty for the next 15 minutes.

11:15 PM: Doucheboy, after relenting for an hour, finally gives up his seats.  Humiliation sets in for the newly heartbroken, after a Bronx cheer lights up the room.  That commercial with the baby comes on, and 75% of the crowd laughs hysterically.  My buddy looks over, and says, “This is why I fucking hate people.”  For someone who hasn’t said much tonight, he’s sure making it count.  After a quick preview for some lame superhero movie, The Dark Knight finally begins!!!!!!

 I’m not going to go into the movie here, just some personal accounts:

11:45 PM: I realize lonely guy laughs at absolutely EVERYTHING. 

 Example #1

Movie: “Look! It’s Batman!”

Lonely Guy: “Ahaha.”

  Example #2

Movie: “You should read the instructions first.”

Lonely Guy: “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

12:15 AM: Another guy in our row screams at the top of his lungs every time something jumps out, there is a loud explosion, or Batman kicks someone’s ass.  Finally my buddy, fed up, looks over and asks, “What are you, fucking 12?”  The screams are cut down about 52%.

12:45 AM: Although kind of enjoying the movie, my mind begins to wander, and so do my eyes.  There is a very attractive woman in front of me, and I spend a few minutes trying to get a better look.  It’s too dark, so I give up and come to the conclusion that Maggie Gylenhaal has to be the plainest looking love interest in the history of superhero movies.  I mean this Bruce Wayne guy is a billionaire playboy, shouldn’t he be going after broads like this? 

1:00-3:00 AM:

Nothing else too exciting happened, so I’ll wrap this up.  The movie was good, and I give it a solid 7/10.  Like I said, this isn’t my kind of movie, so other people will probably like it much more than myself.  IMAX does wonders to the movie’s sound, but the actual picture doesn’t benefit much from it.  A hard-core Batman fan needs to see it in IMAX, but the average moviegoer will be just as thrilled in a standard theater, and save some money in the process.  Time for a nap…..until next time.

1 Comment(s)

  1. Comment by Nuratiah on December 1, 2015 9:02 pm

    I was almost crinyg when i though Gorden died… when he jumped in front of the bullet i screamed “NOOOO!”. Oh my poor audience members… because when batman was on the ground and the suspisious driver of the van/truck jumps out (YES HE WAS SUSPICIOUS! I WAS WORRIED!!) and THEN reveals it was GORDEN!! I started clapping. I just clapped so hard. I was so happy!Although its silly, here’s my interpretation of the end of Joker. I dont think he made it to prison. While he was dangling there and the SWAT team found him, I thought I saw a small look of fear on his face and I imagine that the SWAT team just went ahead and shot him out of spite. It would explain why we wont see the Joker again (prolly)Two-Face is my favorite Batman villain even before this movie. The whole thing with him and his coin just really intrigues me… how he wont make a choice without flipping a coin. I didnt like Tommy Lee’s Two-Face because he didnt follow his coin-flippage routine very well. But Aaron’s… god… PERFECT! I really felt for him, and I was so sad. I was like “He cant really be dead! We need him to be in the next movie too just because hes so epic and awesome and nooooo hes the best villain, dont take him away from meee!” lol Seriously. hes not dead. I dont believe it!Me and my fiance loved Bat-Vision lol

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