Ahhhh, the Olympics are a special time indeed. That magical two weeks where the entire world watches the planet’s best athletes compete for gold medals in thrilling events like table tennis and trampoline. I have fond memories of spending my summer as a pre-teen fixated on the ’92 Barcelona games, the Dream Team, and the utterly kick ass Nike commercial that you can watch below. Although I will probably never be good enough to win bronze in rhythmic gymnastics, I am good enough to predict the gold medal winners for almost every event, so sit back, and enjoy the 2008 Beijing Games, Steelhead style.
Archery- John Rambo, USA
Is there any doubt here? Rambo is one of the most skilled archers the world has ever known, and gold is a foregone conclusion. I’m just hoping all the “targets” hit during the event are non-living. IOC may want to take his bow away before the medal ceremony to avoid a breakdown of “NOTHING IS OVER!” proportions.
Athletics- Joey Chestnut, USA
I have no idea what athletics is, but there isn’t a better athlete in the world right now than Chestnut. I’d like to see Carl Lewis in his prime try to eat 59 hot dogs in 10 minutes, can’t be done my friends. As the video shows, Joey is a true American Hero already.
Badminton- Brian Urlacher, USA & David Ortiz, DR
This is another event that isn’t too hard to figure out. Anyone who has seen the formidable duo cripple opponents in the commercial below can attest to their power.
Baseball- Bad News Bears, USA
The little league team, led by infamous Kelly Leak, is an absolute shoo-in for gold. Nobody can outcoach the immortal Morris Buttermaker. Here’s to hoping Tanner Boyle can be a good sport towards the diverse array of competitors.
Basketball- Team USA
No, seriously……book it, we are back!! If you’re at work right now, start a fiery U-S-A chant!! If you get fired, file a discrimination charge, everyone is entitled to national pride!! (As you can see I’m a little excited)
Beach Volleyball- Kim Kardashian & Stacey Keibler, USA
Don’t look at me like that, who wouldn’t like to see these two beauties in bikinis jumping around? The tandem will easily cruise to gold. The best part: you don’t even have to feel guilty watching match after match, or even Tivo-ing them. Let’s just stop already….
Boxing- Ivan Drago, Russia
Cycling – Cru Jones, USA
Jones, member of the Rad Racing Team, topples the field, and arch rival Bart Taylor, to strike BMX gold in Beijing. The 80’s may be officially over, but Jones certainly isn’t. Cru also takes gold in mountain bike, road, and track to bring his medal count to 4. Taylor, winning silver in all 4 events, hires the evil twins Rod and Rex Reynolds to knock Jones out of qualifying races for 2012. (FYI:Bart Conner, who plays Bart Taylor in Rad, won gold in the ’84 games as a gymnast)
Diving- New England Patriots, USA
If there’s a team out there that truly knows what it means to take a “dive,” it’s these guys.
Equestrian- Shaquille O’Neal, USA
The big guy’s got moves on a horse, and should ride (or eat) one to gold. O’Neal, universe famous for his balance, grace, and composure, proudly displays it below.
Fencing- Conan the Barbarian, AUS
When it comes to sword fighting, you gotta assume Conan is coming out on top. Let’s hope opponents head’s remain intact this time around.
Football- 1985 Chicago Bears, USA
Best team ever, period. Oh wait, football means soccer to the rest of the world? Ummm, still taking the Monsters of the Midway here to crush, smash, and destroy their way to victory. GO BEARS!
Gymnastics- European Soccer Players, Europe
Is there anyone on Earth better at diving, rolling, flopping and sliding without contact than Europe’s soccer players? These guys handily take home gold in both rhythmic and artistic, and that ankle “injury” sustained during the routine looks like it magically healed in seconds on the podium.
Trampoline- Man Show Juggies, USA
Not gonna lie, it would be IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to steal gold from the Juggies when it comes to jumping on a trampoline. True poetry in motion at the end of each episode.
Handball- ________, _______
For sake of losing my job, I’m just going to say the best handball player in the world will win gold, that’s all for this one.
Hockey (Field)- Hooters Girls, USA
Call me whatever you want, but I would definitely watch if the team looked like this. I simply don’t have the heart to deny these beautiful young ladies their dream of Olympic Gold, so yes, they will win, beating the Russians 36 C to 0 in the finals.
Judo and Taekwondo- Chuck Norris, USA
The baddest dude on the planet roundhouses his way to gold. Technically, roundhouses are illegal in Judo, but who has the balls to tell Chuck that? Watch Norris destroy Michael Jackson with a roundhouse in this clip…
Modern Pentathalon- Thunderlips, USA
Called the “true Olympic sport,” the Pentahalon obviously can only be won by the “true American man.” Thunderlips my dear comrades, is that man….
Rowing and Sailing- Hoops McCann & Co., USA
When it comes to aquatic competition, nobody dominates quite like John Cusack’s character in One Crazy Summer. Hoops beats perpetual asshole Teddy Beckersted in the movie, and will beat the rest of the world for gold come August. His team consists of loveable misfits like: George, Ack Ack, Clay Stork, and Egg Stork. How could they lose?
Shooting- John Matrix, AUS
Don’t tell Rambo I’m picking Matrix to win gold here. Seriously, please don’t. I’m begging you.
Softball- Team USA
I’m picking our girls to win gold in Beijing. What? They’re totally hot!!!
Swimming- Amada Beard, USA
With my love of beautiful women firmly established, I’m going to go out on a limb, and say Beard will win numerous gold medals. I guess Michael Phelps might win a few too. (Once again, my job would be in jeopardy if I predicted the winners for synchronized swimming, so we won’t go there)
Table Tennis- Randy Daytona, USA
Balls of Fury’s Daytona is simply unstoppable on the table, and strikes gold, by shutting out every opponent he faces.
Tennis- Roger Federer, NED
I’m sure many expected Anna K, Maria, or Serena here, all I can say is grow up people. Federer is the best in the world, and takes the gold over a catsuit wearing Spaniard named Rafael Nadal in the final.
Triathalon- Mr. T, USA
I pity the fool who argues with this pick, for T is the only person on the planet capable of finishing the 3 grueling events in less than 5 minutes. The legend will have a gold medal to compliment his already abundant collection of gold chains.
Volleyball- Maverick, Goose, Iceman & Slider, USA
Nobody plays volleyball quite like these four Air Force cadets, and they will stomp the competition on the way to gold, if they don’t spend too much time flexing or playing grabass..
Water Polo- Marco Polo, ITA
The namesake of the worst swimming pool game of all-time returns to hoist the gold. As the pic shows, he should cruise to victory, as nobody will want to go near him.
Weightlifting- Arnold Schwarzenegger, AUS
Arnold will bring home the 3rd gold medal for Austria through weightlifting. During the medal ceremony interview, he will ask, “Wait……..who the hell is Conan and Matrix? GET IN THE CHOPPER!”
Wrestling- Ric Flair, USA
The Nature Boy has won 16 world titles in wrestling, and don’t expect it to stop there. He is the oldest Olympian this year (84), but will take gold by pinning Iran’s The Iron Sheik in 4 seconds, which will be a new Olympiad record. The singlet will hopefully adequately cover Flair’s saggy man boobs.
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