Manny Ramirez walks into green monster, teleports to L.A.

Boston, MA

At approximately 8:37 EST last night, disgruntled Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez stepped into Fenway Park’s fabled Green Monster during the top of the 6th inning in a 9-2 loss to the Los Angeles Angels.  Fans, used to “Manny being Manny,” assumed the batshit crazy slugger retired into the Monster to take a piss or something.  When 3 consecutive fly balls went uncontested into left field, Red Sox skipper Terry Francona began to fear the worst.


“I was quite upset, for we were on the verge of getting swept by the Angels, but my frustration quickly turned to concern when Manny was still inside the Monster when it was his turn to bat,” Francona told local press.  “We sent shitstain (batboy Wyatt Henderson) out there to see what was going on, and he came back shaking his head, hollering that Manny had dissappeared.”   

Ramirez was nowhere to be found the rest of the game, and the Red Sox paid dearly for his absence, surrendering 5 runs in the now notorious 6th inning.  Francona decided to keep left field vacant, in feeble hopes Manny might return to finish the game.

Francona was quoted, “What the fuck was I thinking?  I mean Manny has constantly been a pain in the ass, pissing off everyone, but, like a lost puppy dog, he always finds his way back.  I guess this time he got lost for good……”  And that is exactly what happened.

Ramirez, moments after entering the Green Monster to simply relieve himself, discovered the station to a secret spectral locomotive inside the filthy outfield bathroom stall.  Curious, and possibly on heavy drugs, a baffled Ramirez sat on the toilet seat, and it has been reported at this moment in time he was instantly teleported to California.  A confused Manny stumbled out of a similarly grotesque shitter at LAX airport, wearing Dodger Blue. 

The only decipherable quote from Ramirez since the incident is, “I very happy to be Dodger.  This show that magic truly happen if player bitch, complain, backstab team.  I Manny.  I Manny be Manny.  Canada guy piece of shit don’t fill my shoes in Red Sox lineup.  Guy play for Pirates for fuck’s sake.  Dodger don’t deserve me either, but check clears.  Fuck it.”

When Francona received the news that Ramirez’s tenure in Boston is officially over, he popped the cork to a bottle of vintage Dom Perignon, lit a cigar, and picked up the phone to enlist the service of 4 local hookers. 

In a rare candid moment, Francona proclaimed, between meaty tugs off the bottle,  “I couldn’t be happier right now.  That crazy piece of shit has made my life a miserable, hopeless, and depressed hell for years.  Our marriage was a disaster in every sense of the word, and I distinctly remember having to re-braid his hair, change his diaper, and massage his “tootsies,” as he called them, during a certain road trip.  Now I know what Tina Turner felt like after she left Ike.  I ain’t missing him at all….since he’s been gone.  I’m rollin on a river.  We’re simply the best now.  Wait, you’re not going to publish this are you?  At least leave out the hooker portion, I’m on probation for an altercation involving a Toronto S & M mistress.”

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