Gold Medal Worthy Olympics Dwarfed by NBC’s Bronze Medal Worthy Coverage

Leave it to NBC….The global behemoth that inexplicably brought us the ill fated XFL, and committed blasphemy by remaking 80’s staple American Gladiators, has once again completely and utterly shit the bed, this time in their coverage of the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics.  After viewing approximately 3 days of NBC’s pitiful attempt to bring “magic” into my living room, it became abundantly clear the only demographic they plan on accommodating over the next few weeks are women, and pussy-whipped guys forced to watch gymnastics and synchronized diving by women.  Do I have to quit my day job, stay up until 4 AM, or pay a flat, one-time fee of $1,999.99 to see some boxing, wrestling, basketball, archery, skeet-shooting, judo, weightlifting, or taekwondo for Christ’s sake?  Here’s a list of random thoughts compiled through my hellish, grueling, torturous 72 hours of Olympic viewing.  Enjoy.

bronze-medal.jpg

During the “breathtaking” opening ceremony, the menagerie of artsy-fartsy theatrics could have been replaced with a re-enactment of the infamous battle between the Cheng-Sings and Wing-Kong from Big Trouble in Little China.

I can see it now: The Cheng-Sings strut around the floor of the Bird’s Nest, only to be confronted by the evil Wing-Kong gang.  A shocked Bob Costas asks, “Jim, do these guys, the Cheng-Dings, do they have enemies that wear red turbans?”  followed by a scared shitless Jim Lampley responding, “Holy Shit……these guys are animals Bob.”

Since when did competitors in fencing look like the evil scientists in E.T.?

I distinctly remember wire mesh masks and white straight-jacket looking uniforms, but this memory is from 1988, and is based on my fondness of Track and Field II for the NES.

The female synchronized diving team from China is either men, or they have the WORST case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen.

Seriously, I thought this shit ended when the Berlin Wall fell.

I definitely did not need to know gymnast Justin Spring’s knee “exploded” during a dismount gone wrong.

What’s next?  Will Costas explain to a horrified audience that a Russian weightlifter experienced “severed testicles” after the bar fell a bit too close to the grundle?  What happened to China’s creedo of censoring the news?

Bob Costas is nothing more than a hologram, and is 76 years old.

I can still him in the Bulls locker room after the 1991 championship, and he looks the EXACT same almost two decades later.  He either is a regular on Dr. 90210, or hasn’t enjoyed the pleasures of alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, fast-food, or sex in that time gap.

Nike must have stopped production during the Olympics.

The backbone of their sweat-shop labor appears to be competing for the Chinese women’s gymnastics team. 

Male synchronized divers shower after each dive to “have fun.”

This is a direct transcript from the other night:

Announcer A: “Why do they shower after each dive?”

Announcer B: “Well…….the water in the pool is cold, and the divers jump in the showers to get warm water and stay loose.  But mostly, TO HAVE FUN!”

There you have it, synchronized divers shower to “have fun” during the Olympics, not stay loose and attempt to win a gold medal.

Beach volleyball should be played on an actual beach.

Things would be exponentially more interesting if competitors were constantly worried about stepping on broken glass, soiled condoms, or used syringes.  Perhaps they could have a special “Jersey Shore” match.

Michael Phelps should compete in EVERY event.

America’s #1 badass, pursuing an unheard of 8 gold medals, shouldn’t stop there.  Who cares if he has never shot a bow before, he can’t be worse than guy.

There’s a chick on the U.S. women’s gymnastic team that is freaking hot.

Here’s to hoping she’s the one that’s 20.  Good to see T & A back into sport.

As I type this, Italian Federecia Pellegrini just set a World Record in men’s 200 meter freestyle swimming.

Correction……it was “women’s” 200 m freestyle swimming.  I assumed it was a men’s event, after seeing 8 bulging Adam’s Apples in the pool.

No Comments

No comments yet.

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a comment