With our beloved Chicago Bears inexplicably 1-2 after squandering two certain victories in the 4th quarter, the 2008 NFL season is certainly off to a craptastic start . I keep telling myself things could be worse, but when you gift wrap games early in the season and lose ground, playoff hopes diminish by the second. With the powerful Philadelphia Eagles coming to town Sunday night, optimism of pulling back to .500 is lower than Vince Young’s Wonderlic score. The Middie Monsters latest hitting rock bottom episode has inspired me to make a power rankings list of 10 NFL teams that also have provided plenty of pain and suffering to their fans. Enjoy the list, and the gratuitous upskirt shot of our fearless leader.
10. Chicago Bears
BAD: Gave away last two games in 4th quarter, offense less consistent than Paul Konerko, defense takes series off (sometimes two) every quarter, center Olin Kruetz has bad case of “Mountain Dew Mouth”.
GOOD: Receiver Brandon Lloyd has become reliable target, defense still can shut down opponents when it feels happy, running back Matt Forte should take rookie of year honors.
WEEK 4 OUTLOOK: Led by quarterback Kyle Orton’s 6 touchdown passes, Bears shock world by beating Eagles 48-0 on Sunday night, and K.O. licks cheap whiskey off sideline reporter’s tits during halftime interview.
Looks like somebody is experiencing a “Level 4 Blackout”
BAD: Cupboard is bare at receiver slot, suffered humiliating home loss to San Francisco, linebacker Lofa Tatupu is out with yeast infection, Brian Bosworth no longer with team.
GOOD: PGA legend Craig Stadler is still calling plays from sidelines, quarterback Matt Hasselbeck recently visited Bosley hair clinic.
WEEK 4 OUTLOOK: Seahawks spend bye week scrimmaging pink team from Lingerie Bowl II, lose thriller in overtime.
Julius Jones needs to take notes on this punishing back’s playing style
8. Miami Dolphins
BAD: Still brunt of many NFL related jokes, years away from being serious playoff contender, offense hits standstill after running back Ronnie Brown suffers inevitable season-ending injury, Tuna in charge.
GOOD: Pummeled hated Pats in Foxborough, quarterback Chad Pennington is making believers of teammates, Tuna in charge.
WEEK 4 OUTLOOK: Ronnie Brown spends bye week writing agent, Tuna gets hair highlighted, tummy tucked.
Trade me right fucking now……..XOXO Ronnie
7. Cleveland Browns
BAD: 0-3 start after being hyped as division favorite, quarterback Derek Anderson fell back to earth, coach Romeo Crennel is really superfan “Big Dawg,” worst goddamn uniforms in professional sports.
GOOD: Play cross-state rival Cincinnati who is just as bad, receiver Braylon Edwards injury not serious, Brady Quinn will be taking snaps under center next week.
WEEK 4 OUTLOOK: Cleveland pulls out gutsy 6-3 win on road against Bengals, city’s fans forget they live in an industrial shithole for 3.5 seconds.
Romeo Crennel is a little too liberal with his rights on “casual Sundays”
6. Cincinnati Bengals
BAD: 0-3, can’t consistently put up points, quarterback Carson Palmer can’t consistently fasten chinstrap to Neanderthal sized dome, players can’t consistently stay out of jail.
GOOD: Took defending Super Bowl champ Giants to wire last week, play equally shitty Browns at home this Sunday.
WEEK 4 OUTLOOK: Bengals lose heartbreaker to Browns on last second 68 yard field goal, fans reminded they live next to Kentucky instantly.
Cincy has seen better days…
5. Oakland Raiders
BAD: Al Davis certifiably mad, quarterback Jamarcus Russell’s 55 passing yards in lone win, fan zone nicknamed “Black Hole” after former coach Art Shell’s poopshoot.
GOOD: Fans can still stab Charger fans during Sunday’s bitter rivalry game, Bo Jackson still “greatest video game athlete of all-time,” Al Davis still cerifiably mad.
WEEK 4 OUTLOOK: Raiders lose to Chargers 27-10, 38 year old man in Darth Vader costume does hula dance after touchdown.
Davis: “Lord Vader, we are so pleased you give a shit about our 4-12 football team.”
4. Houston Texans
BAD: 0-2 start, Jacksonville and Indianapolis next two games, Hurricane Ike, drafted David Carr with team’s first pick, setting young franchise back 25 years.
GOOD: Play Miami, Detroit, and Cincinnati next month, most people in city are Cowboy fans.
WEEK 4 OUTLOOK: Texans lose to Jaguars 31-13, ask mayor of Jacksonville if city needs another team, are rudely denied, then fly back to Houston in tears.
Could be worse…..could have drafted Vince Young
3. Kansas City Chiefs
BAD: 0-3, trounced by shitbags Oakland and Atlanta, more quarterback controversy than Bears, running back Larry Johnson unhappy, coach Herm Edwards moments away from catastrophic meltdown of absolutely fucking epic proportions.
GOOD: Plenty of young talent, will get more with 1st pick in 2009 draft, not quite as bad as Royals.
WEEK 4 OUTLOOK: Chiefs suffer tough 17-13 loss to Broncos, Hermie has said meltdown that dazzles and entertains Sportscenter viewers for next 2 weeks.
Coach explains why you play the game
2. Detroit Lions
BAD: 0-3, suffered crippling blowout losses to Falcons and 49ers, offense continues to underachieve, running back Rudi Johnson rumored to smell like pee.
GOOD: FINALLY fired eternal douchbag/general jackass Matt Millen, Lions just happy they aren’t #1.
WEEK 4 OUTLOOK: Detroit fans spend bye week tying up loose ends by burning Millen’s house to ground, pissing on ashes, then force feeding him bucket seat from 2001 Ford Ranger that hooker queefed on.
After almost a decade of obscurity under Millen, Lion fans can now enjoy a decade of obscurity under someone else.
1. St. Louis Rams
BAD: 0-3, outscored 116-29 so far, running back Stephen Jackson obviously doesn’t give two shits, Scott Linehan is worst coach in NFL, organization will have blood on hands when quarterback Trent Green’s brain explodes Sunday after hit.
GOOD: Chris Long Howie’s son, yup that’s about it.
WEEK 4 OUTLOOK: Rams shock world by losing to Buffalo, but cover 8 point spread, causing riot in Caesar’s sportsbook that has to be quelled with tear gas.
Just walk away Trent, if you can…
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