2008 world series game one diary: A tribute to the immortal joe buck

Dear diary,

                         I am forcing myself to watch Game One of the 2008 World Series.  Although drinking kerosene would be more entertaining and less painful, here we go……

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The Backstreet Boys just sang an emotional version of the “National Anthem.”  If only game one was in Philly, I would have paid to see a raucous, drunken menagerie of Phillie fans boo these losers unmercifully and pelt them with 9-volt batteries.

A fan in the crowd proudly displays a sign reading, “FINALLY October excitement in Tampa Bay!”  The poor, tortured, Sunray faithful.  Imagine having to wait TEN YEARS until you saw your team play in the October Classic.  Cub fans everywhere are projectile vomiting.

Speaking of Cub fans, is there a more annoying commercial on television than the Bank of America one?  Girls in Cub gear dancing on the dugout, and a fat loser decked out in a blazer, tie, and matching Cubs hat? Are you serious?  As if we didn’t hate these people enough already.  I would put the video up, but the last thing 4HT needs right now is allegations that it started a nationwide diarreha epidemic. 

Diaper Dandy asks me, “Can you believe it has been 15 years since Joe Carter?”  My reply is, “It has also been 15 years since a mulleted Mitch Williams had the ability to pee standing up.”

Joe Buck is off to his usual irritating start.  He is the epitome of “Captain Obvious.”  The only redeeming quality this hack has is during an NFL game, when the camera catches Buck staring at Troy Aikman’s package approximately 3-4 times each quarter.  Always cracks me up.

Buck: “Tonight’s game is SOLD OUT!!!!”  Wow Joe.  That just changed every negative opinion I’ve ever had for the Sunboys and their fans.  These are TRUE fans in every sense of the word.  All it took was a first place finish, thrilling Game 7 win over the hated Red Sox, and a World Series birth.  Talk about some easy to please fans.

Chase Utley just hit a bomb, and then peeled off his batting helmet to reveal the most disgusting, slick-back hairdo of all-time.  Looks like he used bear lard, possibly bacon grease.

Buck: “If you were wondering why you hear cowbells……” You just read my mind Joe. “More to come on the cowbells after the break.”  Can’t fucking wait Joe, I’m on pins and needles.

Buck’s bastard sidekick (who shall remain nameless) after a thrilling play at the plate: “Artificial turf makes the ball take a TRUE hop, and catchers love it.”  Yes bastard sidekick, artficial turf is about as “true” as it gets.  The only “truer” things I can think of off the top of my head are: Pamela Anderson’s tits, Rafael Palmiero’s testimony, and cyborgs.

Joe reveals why the Sundogs fans have cowbells.  I heard, “Brooklyn, NY…..bells…..”  Thanks Joe.

Buck: “Carl Crawford has been with Tampa Bay since they were called the Devil Rays.”  Damn Joe, who would have thought he was on the team LAST FUCKING YEAR!!!!

I need to decompress…….Between Joe’s pearls of wisdom, and Buck’s bastard sidekick’s quips, it’s gonna be a long game.  When I think we have already run the full gauntlet of absurdity in only two innings (a new record), I am greeted with:

Buck: “Beautiful weather tonight here in Tampa Bay.”  Ummmmm Joe, you do realize that you are inside a climate-controlled INDOOR STADIUM right? 

Alright things are slowing down, time to pan the camera to an inebriated “Nasty Knobbs” doing something ridiculous. 

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BJ Upton is batting in the 3rd with the bases juiced.  Buck squeals, “That is the look of a confident hitter.”  Trust me, if ANYONE knows the look of a confident hitter, or what Troy Aikman looks like shirtless, it’s Joe.  Upton just hit into an inning ending double play.  I guess confidence doesn’t necessarily equate to runs. 

I see a new James Bond movie is coming out.  Steelhead may be the only red-blooded American in the history of mankind who has NEVER watched even 5 minutes of any Bond flick.  Put it on my epitaph next year….

Shane Victorino leads off the 4th with a single.  I respect any man that shamelessly eats Spam, and was blown away when SI Hot Clicks revealed that there are literally dozens of Spam varieties, all equally capable of crippling your heart, but not your wallet.

Philly’s pitching coach is named Rich Dubee.  Haha “doobie.”  Buck tells Dubee that he need not tie his shoes when Cole Hamels is on the mound, because he is so dominant.  Crawford hits a solo shot off Hamels during the conversation.  I think Joe’s stellar announcing career was just summarized in 0.8 seconds. 

This game is turning into a chess match, and believe me when I say the announcers have taken notice too.

Joey B just interviewed Rays skipper Joe Maddon, and praised his, “Amazing ability to read body language..”  Don’t sell yourself short Buck, you have been reading Aikman’s for years now. 

I’m sorry, but Maddon’s pretentious glasses drive me insane.  He is trying way too hard to have that “tactical guru” look. 

Some “Rayhawks” are spotted in the stands.  I would have a plethora of jokes here, but it wouldn’t mean too much considering my beloved White Sox originated the sad, but wildly popular “Mullet Night.” 

Back to Maddon.  He has hung 1,287 inspirational quote signs around the clubhouse.  I looked hard, but couldn’t spot a poster of a cat doing chin-ups with Don’t Quit inscribed below.

Scott Kazmir is at 96 pitches and counting in the 5th. Considering he just short-armed a 5 foot throw to first base, it may be time for “Mr. Wizard” to start looking at the ‘pen.  The throw was ruled an error, but you get the point.

We are mercifully at halftime in Tampa, with the Phillies clinging to a 3-1 lead.  I can only imagine what Buck and Buck’s bastard sidekick are talking about right now.  My guess is something along the lines of, “Bastard sidekick, let’s text Troy, and tell him to meet us at Chili’s after the game.”  Trust me, Buck is definitely one of those Chili’s guys. 

Joe is rambling about Super Bowl quarterbacks.  Quit trying to act like you care about Eli Manning and Ben Roesthlisberger Buck.  You aren’t fooling anybody.

The Chevy Traverse is, “Everything you’ve ever asked for, and then some.”  I must have been taking a piss when the epic Joe Buck turned into an automobile. 

Buck’s bastard sidekick: “Cole Hamels is so unpredictable.  You just never know what he’s going to throw at you.”  Ummmmm Mr. Sidekick, they quit tipping pitches in baseball many years ago, except for Sox hurler Javier Vasquez, who always seems to be one with the batter.  I’m just happy to know sidekick is still alive.  He was quiet for the better half of 20 minutes.

Jason Bartlett just won America a free taco!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Is it too late for Bart to run for president?  I can see it now: Bartlett/Buck ’08 – Tacos and shitty broadcasting by Americans, for Americans.

3-2 ballgame.  New York Giants sack artist Osi Umenyiora just drove in a run for the Amon Ras.  Dubee trots out to the mound for the second time tonight.  Good thing he didn’t take Buck’s advice, and keep his shoelaces untied.

Ryan Howard just scared the living shit out of an 80 year old woman by stealing a foul ball.  Actually, he just saved her life, for that ball would have split her head open like wet pine.

Oh my God….The Taco Bell President sounds Australian, and looks like someone you’d see on To Catch a Predator.  I’m debating whether or not to go through the drive-thru at 2 AM and say, “Bartlett sent me.”

3-2 middle of the 6th, and viewers everywhere are treated to a breathtaking view of the Sunshine Skyway.  My Sunray label looks more plausible by the moment.

Chevy Chase is in the new DirecTV commerical, re-enacting the pool scene from Vacation with a smoking hot Christine Brinkley.  It’s so sad to see Clark Griswold, Ty Webb, Irwin Fletcher, Dusty Bottoms, and Emmett Fitz-Hume these days all broken and disheveled.  His performance in Fletch is easily top ten comedic performances of all-time. 

Rays just got a man on, then pissed it away.  It may be past bedtime for the napping General Genius, aka Maddon, who dozed through a balk, then waddled out later mumbling incoherent gibberish about “reading” to a horrified umpire.  Buck is so confused, he has to ask bastard sidekick to clarify what a “read” is.  BS goes into a 4 minute soliloquy, clearly relishing being needed for once.

J.P. Howell has entered the game for Tampa, and is staring down Howard with a man on 2nd.  As Teddy Duchamp from Stand by Me would say, “His Fruit of the Looms are turning into a fudge factory” about right now.

Bastard sidekick is displaying a newly found sense of importance, and won’t shut the fuck up for longer than 2 seconds.  We may have a good old-fashioned pissing match here soon between him and Buck.

Utley was just mic’d as saying, “Get outta here….Goddamit!!!!” to the Solar Rays 3rd basemen.  I love this guy more and more each day. 

We’re at the 7th inning stretch with the Phillies leading 3-2, and this is where Steelhead will leave you stranded in a cornfield, just like my prom date was about a decade ago.  I’ll be back tomorrow night for Game Two coverage, and let’s hope Joe Buck and bastard sidekick’s escapades at Chili’s tonight end up on YouTube tomorrow.  Happy trails…….

1 Comment(s)

  1. Comment by DiaperDandy on October 22, 2008 8:45 pm

    Remember this?http://i.a.cnn.net/si/2007/writers/pete_mcentegart/01/12/ten.spot/p1_sanders.jpg
    I think Prime Time was on to something.

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