With the BCS computers on high alert for possible attacks from mobs of disgruntled Longhorn fans, college football has once again seemingly shit the bed. Although the bombshell dropped tonight (OU/FLA) was expected, message boards and blogs are blowing up all over the internet criticizing the current BCS selection process, and any chaos in previous years will pale in comparison to the riotous fallout that will occur over the next few days. I stand on the fence for once, and will leave all the anti-BCS propaganda and mudslinging to other parties.
I sit here tonight with a higher purpose: to analyze each and every bowl matchup, and predict a winner. This would have been an easy task years ago when bowls were limited to matchups between teams with both positive credentials and a winning record, but in today’s money grubbing & endorsement whoring society, an inept skipper like Chaz Weis would have to be running your team to
not be considered. Away we go….
EagleBank: Wake Forest VS Navy (Dec. 20)
My head tells me to pick Wake, but my heart feels Navy after seeing their cute anchor-encrusted jerseys for the Army game this weekend. They looked like little “DG’s” out there running around. Navy wins the glorified home game.
Prediction: Navy 24 Wake 20
New Mexico: Colorado St. VS Fresno St. (Dec. 20)
When fumanchu emblazoned Fresno coach Pat Hill defiantly snarled, “ANYONE, ANYWHERE, ANYTIME,” I have a feeling he didn’t mean CSU in New Mexico in December. Regardless, the Bulldogs win.
Prediction: Fresno St. 31 Colorado St. 21
magicjack St. Petersburg: Memphis VS South Florida (Dec. 20)
Well the Bulls didn’t envision being here at the beginning of the season, but a technical home game win against the fledgling Tigers will cap off another forgettable season in the less than mighty Big East for USF. This is hinged on quarterback Matt Groethe opting to play in the game instead of traveling to Texas to hunt wild boar with a teaspoon. If you are unfamiliar with the magicjack, it was 2008’s “product of the year,” so naturally it opted to sponsor a bowl weeks before filing for bankruptcy.
Prediction: South Florida 38 Memphis 17
Pioneer Las Vegas: BYU VS Arizona (Dec. 20)
This will be the first game that may actually be a decent, mildly entertaining game. The Cougars are fighting for respect, and the Wildcats are fighting to make coach Mike Stoops something his brother (Bob) hasn’t been in years: a bowl winner.
In the immortal words of Bob Davie during the game: “I….I….I don’t even know what THAT is….”
Prediction: Arizona 28 BYU 25
R&L Carriers New Orleans: Southern Miss VS Troy (Dec. 21)
This is truly a toss up. Both teams showed signs of friskiness throughout the year, but both are capable of epic collapses. I would rather slam my dick in a door than put money on this one. The O/U for fans in attendance will be slightly less than the O/U for points scored.
Prediction: Troy 34 Southern Miss 17
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsetta: Boise St. VS TCU (Dec. 23)
I can’t help but laugh every time this bowl name is written, read, or said. It rivals old classics like the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl, Weiser Lock Copper Bowl, and Blue Bonnett Bowl. All kidding aside, this is easily one of the most intriguing matchups out there. TCU has put together a great season, and we all know Boise is looking to send a giant “FUUUUUCK YOU” to the BCS selection committee.
Prediction: Boise St. 20 TCU 13
Sheraton Hawaii: Notre Dame VS Hawaii (Dec. 24)
All biases aside, we are probably going to get destroyed, giving every ND hater out there an early Christmas present. Hawaii is a strong team at home, and with all the controversy surrounding Coach Foodbag right now, the Irish will not be up to task. Notre Dame runs with the high powered Hawaii offense, but ultimately falls short in the end. Excuse me while I drink Clorox.
Sorry Charlie, we stink
Prediction: Hawaii 41 Notre Dame 35
Motor City: Florida Atlantic VS Central Michigan (Dec. 26)
Although I shouldn’t be picking against immortal Coach Schnellenberger, you can’t honestly believe the Chippewas are going to lose a game when their fans will outnumber the FAU faithful 200-1. CMU had a raucous crowd there last year against Purdue, and this year’s will rally their troops to victory.
Prediction: Central Michigan 34 Florida Atlantic 13
Meineke Car Care: West Virginia VS North Carolina (Dec. 27)
Raise your hand if you have EVER taken your car to Meineke? Thought so. The fact that they sponsor a bowl defies all reasonable logic. This is a good matchup between one team on their way down (WVU), and one on their way up (UNC). Pat White will dazzle the hundreds in attendance during his last game ever, and a 5,000 burning couch effigy will be lit throughout West Virginia to commemorate his career.
Prediction: West Virginia 24 North Carolina 21
Champs Sports: Wisconsin VS Florida St. (Dec. 27)
Raise your hand if you have ever bought any overpriced crap from Champs Sports, and are older than 14? Thought so. The Badgers seek redemption for what has been their most dissappointing season in years, and the Seminoles seek to give
crooked classy Coach Bowden a proper sendoff if he chooses to retire at season’s end.
Prediction: Wisconsin 13 Florida State 9
Emerald: Miami (FL) VS California (Dec. 27)
Finally a bowl name that makes sense. An overpriced bag of peanuts aimed toward pretentious, self-rightgeous, black plastic glasses wearing yuppies is sponsoring a bowl in a city filled with them. The “U” is way too far from home to win this one, and their tragic quarterback situtation is approaching a decade now.
Prediction: Cal 27 Miami 10
Independence: Northern Illinois VS Louisiana Tech (Dec. 28)
MAC Team: Check
WAC Team: Check
Game in horrendously crappy city in the South: Check
100 percent chance of a player contracting herpes from a stripper: Check
Prediction: Louisiana Tech 45 Northern Illinois 38
Papajohns.com: Rutgers VS North Carolina St.
How fitting, a shitty pizza chain is sponsoring a shitty bowl that features two shitty teams in a shitty city. After the mother of all beatdowns was put on the team that plays in “Papa Johns Stadium” (Louisville) at the hands of the Scarlet Knights, it’s obvious Rutgers is ready to rumble, and hates shitty pizza.
Papa John’s new “Colostomy Bag Special”
Prediction: Rutgers 34 NC State 20
Valero Alamo: Northwestern VS Missouri (Dec. 30)
Misery went from national title contender to overrated sack of crap once their schedule got difficult, but don’t expect the Tigers to lose this game. Arrogant gunslinger Chase Daniel will light up the Wildcats defense, and claim game MVP honors along with a trophy for “Biggest Napoleon Complex,” and “Whitest dude to ever wear a beanie under his helmet.”
When my beanie isn’t on, it’s gel time!!!!
Prediction: Missouri 45 Northwestern 20
Roady’s Humanitarian: Maryland VS Nevada (Dec. 30)
Two words that can never conceivably be put together are Roady and Humanitarian, but the city of Boise has gone against conventional wisdom. The word Roady is used in only 3 contexts, and none are very humanitarain-esque. A) A beer for the road: “Dude, let’s grab a roadie before we leave.” B) A reference to roadhead: “Dude, I got a sweet roady from this chick on I-65.” C) A dirtbag who tours with a band: “Dude, that roadie over there is a fucking creep.” A combination of A & B still isn’t enough to get me to attend this game.
Prediction: Maryland 34 Nevada 21
Texas: Rice VS Western Michigan (Dec. 30)
How refreshing: a bowl game without any corporate logo or shill. Enjoy this while it lasts, for there are rumors this bowl will be aptly named the “Fuck you I’m from Texas, and my shit doesn’t stink Bowl” in 2009.
Prediction: Western Michigan 35 Rice 24
Pacific Life Holiday: Oklahoma St. VS Oregon (Dec. 30)
This will be the first bowl where something is on the line. The Cowboys are trying to prove the Big XII is as good as advertised, and the Ducks are trying to prove you can still win games in spite of the fact you look like a complete jackass in the worst uniforms ever designed for any sports team at any level. Should be a shootout.
Six shades of disgrace…….
Prediction: Oklahoma State 52 Oregon 47
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces: Houston VS Air Force (Dec. 31)
What’s wrong with just the Armed Forces Bowl? Have our nation’s patriots not done enough to warrant a bowl named exclusively after them? Oh that’s right: Bell coughed up $24.75 for naming rights of this crapfest. Air Force’s vaunted wishbone matched up against Houston’s run-and-shoot will be a bigger clash of styles than Tim Tebow hanging out with Charles Manson. Watch the quarterback matchup between Houston’s David Klingler, and AF’s Beau Morgan.
Right team, wrong decade….
Prediction: Houston 95 Air Force 24
Brut Sun: Oregon St. VS Pittsburgh (Dec. 31)
Brut is a man’s man cologne, and isn’t for wimps, or people with self-respect. Why they have decided to pair such a rugged label with the word Sun shows lack of leadership in the front office of the world’s #1 “Cologne that comes in a plastic bottle, and can be purchased in a grocery store.” Anyhoo, we have a decent matchup between two teams that almost inexplicably cashed in on the BCS’ heavily flawed system, and I see the energetic Beavers pouncing all over the lethargic Panthers and never looking back.
Sex in a bottle boys, sex in a bottle…
Prediction: Oregon St. 24 Pitt 21
Gaylord Hotels Music City: Boston College VS Vanderbilt (Dec. 31)
I think we all agree that jokes made about the particular name of this bowl are both too easy, and too overplayed. The Eagles will make Vandy’s lives miserable in this one, and put an end to their storybook season that featured a collapse of Biblical proportions. The Commodores have no chance in this one, not even if Lionel Richie, the greatest Commodore to ever live, was taking snaps. C-Ya.
Prediction: Boston College 31 Vanderbilt 16
Insight: Kansas VS Minnesota (Dec. 31)
Truly a tale of four teams here. You have Minnesota who: A) Looked like a competent bunch capable of making waves this year and pulling out some tough wins, or B) Looked like absolute shit against Michigan, losing 29-6 at home. Kansas is no different. The Jayhawks are either: A) Toppling rival Missouri in a game where they were 16 pt. underdogs, or B) Playing hard for 30 minutes, then giving up and getting blown out by conference powerhouse Texas. This would be a crap shoot, but the X-factor will be KU wide receiver Desmond Briscoe, the kid can flat out PLAY.
Prediction: Kansas 42 Minnesota 27
Chick-Fil-A: LSU VS Georgia Tech (Dec. 31)
God I miss when this game was simply known as the Peach Bowl. LSU is being dragged into the postseason on a stretcher, and can’t wait for the shitshow known as 2008 to officially end. On the other hand, GT looks confident after defeating Georgia, and should win this one in their backyard.
Prediction: Georgia Tech 20 LSU 10
Outback: South Carolina VS Iowa (Jan. 1)
Our first bowl game of 2009 should be a doozy if Hawkeye runningback Shon Greene can bust through the teeth of one of the nation’s toughest defenses. He does, and “The Old Ball Coach” resigns immediately after to take over at Auburn. Just a wild guess.
Prediction: Iowa 19 South Carolina 12
Capital One: Georgia VS Michigan St. (Jan.1)
The Citrus Bowl is usually the marquee non-BCS bowl game each year, but this one leaves much to be desired. Both teams were exposed as frauds in ’08, and this game will resemble, as I believe Billy Martin once said, “Two hookers swinging their purses at each other.” The Bulldogs romp.
Prediction: Georgia 37 Michigan St. 17
Konica Minolta Gator: Clemson VS Nebraska (Jan. 1)
What the hell was wrong with just the Gator Bowl? Toyota was bad enough people. Bo Pelini’s first season in Lincoln has already been an undeniable success, and a win here would make it an outstanding achievement. Huskers take it.
Prediction: Nebraska 23 Clemson 7
Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi: Penn St. VS USC (Jan.1)
See what they did there? Who says Citi isn’t all about tradition, keeping the name Rose Bowl Game? Maybe next year they can call it, “The 2010 Rose Bowl Football Contest Proudly Presented by Citi that Features the #1 Team from the Big Ten and Pac-10.” USC has every reason to win this game, but I have a feeling that Joe Pa will go four quarters without shitting himself, and will his team to victory by calling NO plays, and giving NO advice at half.
“I’m going to ask you this one time….Did you bring my diaper bag of Depends?”
Prediction: Penn St. 24 USC 17 (We love you Joe)
FedEx Orange: Cincinnati VS Virginia Tech (Jan. 1)
Here it is: The BCS matchup just about everyone is bitching about. Upstart Cincy has alot to prove on a big stage, and VT wants to prove everyone right that said the ACC adding 4 teams (to 12) would make them, “A superconference that will dominate every year in every sport” a few years ago. Suckers.
Prediction: Virginia Tech 6 Cincinnati 3
AT & T Cotton: Texas Tech VS Ole Miss (Jan. 2)
How far the once mighty have fallen. After a devastating 65-21 drubbing at the hands of Oklahoma, this team has lost all confidence, and credibility. Enter Ole Miss: A pesky bunch of ragtags who love to beat favored teams on the road. Houston Nutt looks like Knute Rockne this season, but Tech’s high powered pirate-themed offense will roll.
Prediction: Texas Tech 34 Ole Miss 24
AutoZone Liberty: Kentucky VS East Carolina (Jan. 2)
Good grief. Will anyone watch this? Who sandwiches the Liberty Bowl….ahem Autozone Liberty Bowl between the Cotton and Sugar Bowl? Whatever. Jesus Jr. (Skip Holtz) will have the Pirates running and scoring, and ECU scores a bowl victory.
Prediction: East Carolina 20 Kentucky 13
Allstate Sugar: Alabama VS Utah (Jan.2)
This game will be MUCH closer than people think. I truly believe the Utes are fully capable of keeping it within 30 for two straight halves. Scumball Saban may announce his acceptance of the Auburn position immediately after the game, but hey, what a ride for the Tide.
“I want a hamburger…..no wait a cheeseburger…..”
Prediction: Alabama 38 Utah 17
International: Buffalo VS Connecticut (Jan. 3)
Finally, the bowl that will notoriously suck in TWO countries. UCONN cripples the Bulls, goodbye…
Prediction: Connecticut 51 Buffalo 27
Tostidos Fiesta: Ohio St. VS Texas (Jan.5)
I am one of those people (retards) that really thinks the Buckeyes are going to win this game. Texas has no tears or fight left, and the OSU defense will be the best Texas has seen this season. The upset bid is handcuffed on quarterback Terrelle Pryor’s ability to get lose and make plays. Good God I can’t believe I’m picking a freshman QB to win the Fiesta Bowl. Fuck it, too late to go back.
Prediction: Ohio St. 27 Texas 20
GMAC: Tulsa VS Ball St. (Jan. 6)
Nobody cares……Nobody cares……..Bring on OU/UF………Bring on OU/UF……….
Prediction: Ball St. 89 Tulsa -16 (Congrats on a great season Cards)
BCS National Championship: Oklahoma VS Florida (Jan.8)
We are finally here! After whetting our appetites with 33 other games that ranged from exciting to absurd, we get to watch the Sooners and Gators duke it out in Miami. Hate to break your hearts, but the slugfest won’t last long. Florida is playing in their home state, and the Gator defense will chomp their way to victory. Expect the Sooner offense to sputter in the second half after UF makes adjustments, and Gator quarterback Tim Tebow to carry his team across the finish line FTW, earning sainthood in the state immediately following the game.
Gee Tebow, I have no idea why everyone hates you…..
Prediction: Florida 33 Oklahoma 24
So those are the 4HT bowl predictions. If you have a problem with any (which I’m sure plenty of you do), please feel free to comment. This includes, but isn’t limited to trolls. Happy Bowling -Steelhead
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