Four Horsemen Tattoo – Confessions of a Sports Fanatic

Let’s face it, the golden age of the San Diego Chicken and minor league staple Max Patkin has been over for decades now.  This new era of uninspired, and far from comical mascots in collegiate sport has been mediocre at best.  Grab a chair, for we are about to visit some of the most irritating out there, and hopefully rally together for much needed change.  Away we go…..

The Stanford Cardinal

Where do I begin:  Although a drunken arrest at a Stanford/Cal hoops game (after visual confirmation of the heap of lumber tugging a flask) is comical in itself, this thing looks like a Sesame Street character conceived on a heavy dose of acid.  This guy is awkward, creepy, and down right weird looking.  The only redeeming quality here is the prospect of Cal Golden Bear Oski doucing this tree in gas, and lighting it on fire during a football game.

And mom said I would never amount to anything…

The Notre Dame Leprechaun

Although I love the little guy, he is quite obnoxious.  The Irish mascot is usually seen parading around the end zone, and loves to bombard players who score with praise, sometimes stealing the show, almost as if the touchdown was scored himself.  Pair this propensity for being generally annoying with a 5′ 3″ guy that has a chin beard, and you have a bad mascot. 

Tis I who slayed mighty San Diego State!!!

Florida Gator Alberta

Good lord.  You have Albert, who is a kick-ass, well respected mascot, so what do you do?  Gee i don’t know, give him a female counterpart.  This addition is identical on the “completely unnecessary rip-off” scale as Ms. Pac-Man, and the muskrat love between the two completely ruins any credibility old Albert ever had.

Worst idea…..ever…….

The West Virginia Mountaineer

On the surface, not too bad, until you realize: A) The guy looks 40 years old B) He is dressed in all leather, complete with fringes, and has a coonskin cap covering his bald head C) He is carrying a gun, and is probably soused on Moonshine and D) This very well may be his weekday attire also.  Take me home country roads….

That John Denver is full of shit….

The Virginia Tech Hokie

This guy isn’t really all that annoying, just pretty fucking stupid looking.  He resembles the Mother Hen character in old cartoons that is running around during a thunderstorm, avoiding lightning, and trying to get to the barn.  Trust me, the Big East doesn’t miss this guy at mascot meetings.

 Gobble…Gobble….George please stop talking

The Nebraska Cornhusker, Herbie

Sweet Jesus this guy is scary as hell.  A pie-eyed hick complete with cowboy hat and puffy muscles.  He looks like the lovechild of Popeye and John Wayne.  The jean of choice for this old boy is Wrangler, dip of choice Cope, and I’m sure he swills Beam like there’s no tomorrow.  Now that I think about it, this freak may not be annoying at all…

Who wants to see my puffy package?

Otto, the Syracuse Orange

Fruit-themed mascots are annoying for pretty obvious reasons.  Otto was the inspiration for the Gus Macker logo I’m sure, but that doesn’t absolve him of being a pretty shitty (and ugly) ball of fury on the sidelines.

Better hope Pac-Man ain’t in town bitch…

The TCU Horned Frog

Unreal…..simply unreal…..Here I am thinking TCU is a semi-prestigious academic instiution with relatively high standards, and they shit out this pile of horny crap to scare cheerleaders all game.  Did they have a mascot contest in the early 90’s, and a child who was a huge fan of Battletoads win?  If the great googly moogly eyes aren’t enough, he’s wearing an actual football uniform.

Friends don’t let friends be the TCU mascot…

Purdue Pete

Once pretty cool looking, Pete has turned into an annoying asshat that has a face any sane person would swing a sledge-hammer (which he coincidentally carries) at.  His dis-proportioned body looks like the aforementioned Herbie Husker’s, and Pete is often wearing a football uni at games, if you didn’t hate him enough already.

My degree in engineering allows me to crush pseudo-football with pseudo-hammer…

Chief Osceola and Chief Illiniwek

These two mascots are utterly badass, believe me.  The annoying factor comes from the mere fact that both mascots have been in the past portrayed by Caucasians.  Illinois has retired old Illiniwek, but strong support from actual Seminole Indians has helped keep the spirit of Osceola alive and well.

  

 Behold….Chief Johnson and Chief Goldstein

That’s all I have for now, but check back later, for I will be doing a list dedicated to the best mascots in college.  Feel free to comment on your most hated/annoying mascots. -SH

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