Major league baseball received another black-eye yesterday, when reports surfaced that Yankee slugger and general douchebag Alex Rodriguez tested postive for steroids during the 2003 season. His 47 homers, 118 ribbies, and AL MVP honors during said season are now even more tainted, seeing most people with an adequate amount of functioning brain cells generally agree the honor should be reserved for players who lead their team to a record better than 69-93.
Now that the world can finally see A-Fraud for what he really is, it is my request that all the reporters who constantly compare this steaming pile of trash to late Bears great Walter Payton put a fucking cork in it. There was only one Sweetness, and this prima donna crybaby doesn’t even come close to rekindling any of the magic Walter created on the field. The mere fact that sports nerds everywhere even consider this topic valid and debatable defies all logic. Still not convinced? Let’s go ahead and compare some statistics and other pertinent factors to (hopefully) put this baby to bed once and for all.
Exhibit A) Payton rushed for 16,726 yards, Rodriguez has rushed for 0
Walter flowed on the football field with the grace and power of a gazelle/rhinocerous super creature. This unstoppable rebel force refused to go out of bounds, and made every tackler on every play pay the ultimate price for taking him down. During Payton’s 13 year career, he snapped defenders necks, broke their ribcages, and ripped out their windpipes an astounding 3,838 times. Only “Ironhead” Heyward even comes close to this stat, severing a meager 17 linebacker fermoral arteries in New Orleans one glorious season, and that was in the fictional NES game Tecmo Super Bowl.
Rodriguez has 0 career carries up to this point, hence the goose-egg in yardage. Before I fly off the handle, and label him the worst professional athlete of all-time, the benefit of the doubt shall be given in this regard. Perhaps he just needs a chance to prove himself, but it’s hard to deny that a lip-stick wearing fancyboy, who sleeps in a tanning bed, probably couldn’t “cut the mustard” anyways against the likes of Ronnie Lott or Keith Millard.
Put it this way, the odds of the above happening are better than Rodriguez ever scoring a TD
Exhibit B) Payton played his college ball at Jackson St., Rodriguez at the U of Nowhere
Let’s be honest, this isn’t even close:
Sweetness went to local state school JSU, and broke the (then) NCAA touchdown record, crossing the goal-line an astounding 65 times. He received a degree in communications, and got himself drafted 4th overall in 1975 for his efforts.
Shit-Rod signed on to play at the grossly overrated (in terms of education) private school Miami (FL), but decided to bolt on his committment to extort millions of dollars from the Seattle Mariners, who some argue is an actual MLB team.
Moral of the story: Payton wins again, this time 1 college degree to 0
Exhibit C) Payton helped compile a Grammy nominated, Gold album that reached #41 on the Billboard charts, Rodriguez has failed to reach such musical stardom
The 1985 “Super Bowl Shuffle” took an unsuspecting world by storm, and the windfall of cash raised to feed Chicago’s neediest families made the Bears effort an undeniable success. Payton displayed his raw ability to dance and sing with the best of them, and parlayed that into another smash hit, “Doin’ it Right,” which was presented to KFC conoisseiers in the Chicago-area in the form of a floppy square record.
A-Hole’s 2006 love ballad titled, “Jeter Flutters My Heart Meter,” went unnoticed by 99.9% of the general public, and I’ve heard it sold only two copies. The other 4,998 CDs that were pressed are rumored to be buried in the New Mexico desert next to the 3 million unsold copies of Atari’s shitty game “E.T.” Rumors also confrim Rodriguez ditched his smoking hot wife for 78 year old hag Madonna simply as a ploy to compensate his obvious lack of musical talent.
“Runnin’ the ball is like makin’ romance.” Damn right Walter
Exhibit D) Payton entered the Hall of Fame without controversy, Rodriguez will have a hell of a time doing the same
Payton will always be remembered for his hard work, dedication to football & family, and unflappable positive attitude even in times of utter despair. He embodies everything that is good about sport, and his legions of fans (even a few in Packer green) will forever respect his legacy and good name.
A-Roid has admitted that cheating was needed to achieve his star status, and it will forever disgrace his respective legacy. Any accomplishment from here on out will be chock full of skepticism, and his credibility, which was already shaky after years of incessant whining, is at an even 0. Like Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, and others, an asterisk will adorn any record he retires with.
Something A-Boy may never see….
Exhibit E) Payton won a ring, Rodriguez will (hopefully) never
The Yankees continue to stack the deck, shelling out millions to secure a title, but it hasn’t seemed to work with the Roddy kid around. Payton retired with the greatest piece of hardware in all of sports, a Super Bowl ring, while A-Tray has yet to claim a World Series ring, let alone a SB one. The only ring Rodriguez can even claim during his recent nadir is the plastic “Wondertwins” decoder that he pairs with Derek Jeter’s to help fight crime in New York City.
Can’t look at this without getting all dusty-eyed….
Exhibit F) Payton was endorsed by the single greatest shoe company of all-time, Rodriguez with possibly the worst
It has been many years since my feet were slathered with blue, orange, and white Payton Kangaroos, but the memory of the greatest shoe ever made lives on. These high-top kicks had the trademark hidden “pouch,” and it would steal your lunch money at least twice a week, but we were just too damn stubborn to not use this technological marvel.
Rodriguez is conversely equipped with Nike brand cleats, which I’ve been told is some small, up-and-coming athletic wear company in Oregon. Whatever, for a full-fledged debate here is moot. Like A-Lips chance for a 100 yard rushing performance (especially now that we know he’s roided up), Nike has a chance (albeit very slim) to replace Roos someday as the world’s finest athletic shoe provider. For now though, I’ll be safe and give Payton the edge here.
Couldn’t find a pic of the classic Roos, so here’s the aforementioned album in case you didn’t believe me
So there you have it: Walter Payton was, is, and always will be infinitely better than Alex Rodriguez. This argument is non-negotiable, so please refrain from any further comparison.
We miss ya pal…..R.I.P.
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