In the midst of an unfathomable 8 game losing streak, the Chicago Cubs have made headlines this morning by signing homeless left-handed pitcher Cornelius Lang to a lucrative 2 year deal.
An inebriated Lou Pinella was spotted on the North Side last night canoodling with Lang, as the two shared a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 in the hobo’s makeshift cardboard home. According to numerous eye-witness reports, the Cubs skipper, fresh off a powerful swig of the cheap booze, proceeded to offer Lang a shot at cracking the Cubs starting pitching rotation, and cited his personnel’s current ineptitude as inspiration for the bold offer.
The bizarre move has many members of Cub Nation scratching their heads. Wrigleyville resident Troy Starboy said, “I really can’t believe this. I mean, like, totally, OMG. I’m a die-hard Cubs fan, and this just floors me. Seriously, WTF? That Lang guy meanders outside the field every day, wearing bread bags for shoes, and the last thing I want to see is my Cubbies take the field looking like the Nattys, who can’t even afford matching belts. Wait……we’re losing right now? Good thing my Red Sox hat gets back from the dry-cleaners today.”
Troy Starboy: Halloween, circa 1988
Not much is known about the mysterious Cornelius Lang. His father Sergei, a Russian immigrant. moved the Lang family to Chicago in the 1950’s to embrace American culture at it’s finest. Somewhere along the way, Cornelius drifted into the seedy underworld of illegal boxing, and created quite a name for himself. Clubber Lang was 58-1 as an underground boxer, suffering his only defeat to Philadelphia’s R. Balboa.
“Clubber” Lang: circa 1982
After retiring from boxing in 1982, Lang joined the U.S. Army. He ascended to the rank of “B.A.” quickly, and was part of a commando unit named the A-Team that was charged with a crime they didn’t commit. In 1983, Lang went into hiding on the streets of the Windy City to avoid federal charges.
Cornelius Lang aka “B.A. Baracus”: circa 1983 (last known photograph before yesterday)
Fast forward almost 30 years, and you have Lang now. A decrepit old man with a bum shoulder, and bum in his blood. The once proud boxer, and decorated military hero, is more at home tying bindles than boxing gloves or TNT wire these days. The Cubs, void of any tradition that entails winning, don’t seem to care one bit.
Cubs infielder Ryan Theriot chortled, “Chicago’s unforgiving streets can do that to a man. This city has no sympathy for the weak, and Lang has survived on sheer guts and grit. He is a model Russian-American, and even though he has never seen a baseball, he can’t be worse than Ryan Dempster.”
First basemen Derrick Lee added, “Lang will be an indispensible asset to this organization. Surley if a man can survive on the streets for 20 plus years, I can quit being a candy-ass and play one entire season.”
Details of the Lang contract aren’t released publicly yet, but perks like hot food, hot showers, and clean sheets have been reported to make up 95% of the deal.
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