I had a bizarre obsession with SBTB as a youngster. Call it pre-teen angst, or puberty that was aided by uber-babe Tiffani Amber Thiessen, the show was one of my favorites. The uncanny ability I have to watch 5 seconds of ANY episode and then be able to give a detailed description of what transpires during that episode is pathetic at best, and definitely one of my bigger shortcomings. With that embarrassing confession out of the way, I present you with some of the show’s best (and lesser known) characters, fueled by rumors of a SBTB reunion. To keep the field narrow, most of said people appeared in the high-school years. Enjoy a walk down memory lane, or my own personal hell, whatever you prefer to call it.
Mr. Belding’s irresponsible younger brother Rod appeared in an episode as a substitute teacher, and he immediately won the Bayside kids over. He was hip, talked and acted like a teenager, and had a luxurious mullet that was Michael Bolton worthy. Eternal nerd “Richie” became a little jealous of all the attention little Belding was getting, but got his shining moment by saving the school rafting trip from being chaperone-less. It appears Rod, who was supposed to take Zach and company rafting, had other plans. By other plans, I mean banging the shit out of a Swedish stewardess that was in town for only the weekend. You go Rod….
“Kids…I would totally take you rafting, but I gotta tap some sweet boo-tay.”
The nerdy teacher may not look like much, but he was an undisputed BADASS at running after-school detention. In the episode where Screech was named hall-monitor and threw everyone in the cooler, Dewey, while practicing karate, gets fooled into letting the gang out to meet in Belding’s office for a surprise birthday party. I guarantee you he chopped Screech’s pencil-neck in half once the jig was up. “Don’t mess with the Dewmeister” kids.
A grainy pic of Mr. Dewey, you get the point….
Jesse’s bastard step-brother invaded the Spanno home for an episode, and managed to turn the gang’s world upside-down in the process. Eric was a slick New Yorker, and a grittier, savvier version of Zach. He spent his 30 minutes of fame one-upping Zach, and completely disassembling Mr. Belding’s new car (for his wife) to end all debate over who was the king of assholish shennanigans. My personal admiration of this jerkoff comes solely from his commandeering of Jesse’s room, and throwing up a badass Misfits poster. SBTB finally goes punk.
The legacy (of brutality) lives on….
This chick had it all. She talked like a tramp, “Mom’s visiting dad in the slammer, so we got the house all to ourselves,” was over 6 feet tall, and threw Zach around like a ragdoll during their dance at The Max. She should have been used more often in the series.
Remember this guy and his shitty magic tricks?
Nedick was a wrestler from Valley that had a showdown with Slater on the mat in one episode. Nedick had to dispose of Screech before getting his shot at Slater (who was too busy baking), but the flabby waste of flesh hilariously quoted, “Hey….my dog is not ugly” when Screech insulted the looks of Nedick’s mom and dog. Needless to say, Slater slaughters Nedick in one of TV’s most unconvincing wrestling matches, and Zach is spared the dirt-bike he would have lost in a bet if Nedick won.
Kristy was a tomboy who joined the wrestling team at Bayside. After proving her worth to the skeptical boys, she dominates on the mat, and starts dating Zach. Morris gets humilated at the Max when his little girlfriend has to save him from an ass-whipping at the hands of a Valley dude, and begins to doubt her place as a wrestler. Jesse too begins to feel threatened by Kristy when she discovers Slater “showing the new girl some moves” on the mat. What can I say, she was easy on the eyes, and knew her shit when it came to wrestling. You do the math.
Bee-Bee-Bee-Buh-Buh-Bee Go Bayside….
I lump these two characters together, seeing they were both played by Troy Fromin. Ox was the typical dumb jock, who always offered clever quips that pushed the point home that he was completely brain dead. SBTB was very over-the-top with stereotypes, and Ox played the part of football player perfectly, even throwing a toga party (with beer) at his house to commemorate homecoming in one episode. As Slater said, “That’s FLUNK Ox…..”
Scud was the polar opposite of Ox. He was also big, imposing, and stupid, but a punk rocker that would never play football or hang out with the “in” crowd. Scud’s immortal cameo came in the anti-drug episode that starred fictitious superstar Johnny Dakota. Scud is blamed by the gang for smoking a joint in the bathroom, but it is later revealed Dakota actually burned it, and Ox is “terrified” of drugs.
Remember kids, There’s No Hope With Dope….or a Liberal Arts Degree
Charles “Craterface” Coburn
Craterface was Zach’s test subject for a zit cream that Screech produced in one episode. Predictably, Coburn is cured of his acne, and is un-recognizable by his peers. When he is proudly displayed as a new man, he offers his infamous nerd laugh as proof that he is, in fact, the immortal Craterface. Little did the boys know, the cream would eventually make your face as purple as twisted nurples, and everyone was ready to lynch Zach after the side effect invades the school. Kelly still wins homecoming queen because she conveniently has, “school spirit written all over her face,” and nobody seems to care, for we were staring at her tight body in the first place.
We have landed on the …Coburn’s face
Kevin the Robot
Don’t lie, you wanted your very own Kevin as a little kid. He cleaned, offered advice, and didn’t shit and piss everywhere like a dog does. Screech’s robot was fond of Kelly, dispelling all rumors that robots are unable to get boners from hot chicks. Kevin was a smartass, but capable of appreciating a genuine moment also, for he was quoted, “If I had the right circuits, I’d cry!!!” Is he as cool as Paulie’s “girl” in Rocky IV? Hell no, but who can compete with a cyborg capable of bringing you a fresh beer whenever you need one.
Don’t fuck with the long arm of law son….
So there you have it, some of the most underrated characters in SBTB history. Feel free to add your personal favs, and Bayside’s still rockin’
Want more 80’s? Check out What each NBA superstar’s WWF counterpart is here
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