White Sox Invade Wrigley to Take on Cubs in Best of 3 Pillow Fight

Let’s be honest, the 2009 installment of the Windy City Series leaves something to be desired.  Both teams have been swirling around the toilet for weeks, and both are mathematically in the playoff hunt due to shitty divisional rivals.  Anyone who attests to the Cubs division being superior or competitive lost all credibility this weekend, after the asshats from Minnesota came to the “Friendly Confines,” and took 2 out of 3.  4HT takes a look at what to expect over the next few days……

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This series is, and always will be heated.  Cub fans SWEAR it means nothing to them, yet they throw the kitchen sink at our Sox every year.  Allow me to elaborate:

  • Cub ace Carlos Zambrano conveniently starts twice a year against the Sox.  Coincidence?  Sadly, Sox ace Mark Buehrle will miss this week’s festivities.  Apparently the Sox aren’t as into this whole “rivalry” thing.
  • Last year, Derrek Lee came back from the DL early to play the Sox.  Hmmmmmm.  Desperation is a stinky cologne my friends.
  • Northside skipper Lou Pinella got in heated arguments with umpires in about half of all cross-town games.  Is Louie puckering up?

I could go further, but what’s the point.  The Cubs have just as much at stake as the Sox do this week.

What to expect: Cubs take game one behind Zambrano pitching 6.2 shut-out innings…….Anybody have a shot of Beam?

zambrano

Big Z has appeared in 10 Crosstown Classics, with the Cubs winning only 5 of them.  I’d be pouting too if this all I could muster as my team’s “Ace.”

Both teams will be without their most feared hitters

The Sox are going into battle without outfielder Carlos Quentin, and the Cubs will be without third basemen Aramis Ramirez.  Perhaps Ramirez will suffer a career-ending injury when forced to return to the lineup prior to what doc recommended.  The absence of these sluggers will make Wrigley Field look like a pillow fight arena by the 4th inning, unless others step up.  My choice is Jermaine Dye, barring his calf injury keeping him out the whole week.

What to expect: Jermaine Dye leads the charge during game two, and his 3 RBI’s propel the Sox to victory

dye

We need one bigger than that this week JD

Wrigley Field will be swarmed with yuppies, college students, and general “scene queens” all week long

Business as usual in the ivy-infested shithole:

  • People in the bleachers drinking pisswater and not watching the game
  • Sorority girls behind home plate talking on their cell phone the whole time to make sure EVERYONE knows they are behind home plate
  • Cub fans who swear they don’t care about this series starting “Sox Suck” chants every 1/2 inning
  • A pocket of Sox fans getting heckled by drunk, obnoxious fucktards during actual gameplay
  • Whiny Cub fans throwing shit on the field after AJ hits another game winning homer in the 9th inning during Game 3
  • Hypocritical Cub fans boing every time Ozzie gets pissed, and cheering every time Lou does (same can be said for Zambrano’s “passion,” compared to Pierzynski’s “arrogance”)
  • Cub fans will call Sox fans trashy while wearing a t-shirt that smells like piss and has puke on it at the same time
  • Zambrano will think of the time he and Michael Barrett looked like two hookers swinging their purses at each other in the dugout
  • Pinella will think of the time Bad Boy Rob Dibble kicked the living shit out of him in Cincinnati
  • Alfonso Soriano will remember what it was like to be 40
  • Ryan Theriot will get first hair on ball
  • Fukudome will strike out 4 times on 3 at bats
  • Ryan Dempster will balk before EVERY pitch, but never get called for it……Grow a pair of man hands you pussy
  • Steve Stone will forget who’s he with and go an inning long soliloquy about how much he loves Reed Johnson
  • Derrek Lee will inspire the crowd by playing three straight games without getting injured, or trying to slap a pitcher
  • Milton Bradley will be drunk for game two, and get kicked out for arguing whether or not there was 3 outs
  • Geovany Soto will miss an at-bat because he’s too busy putting bacon grease in his hair

Like above, I could go on, but what’s the point?  When a team hasn’t accomplished anything for a century, it’s kind of hard to hold grudges.  Here’s to a great week of inter-league baseball, and let’s try to be civil out there, because if not, I’ll leave a World Series Champion ring impression on your pathetic fucking face…..GO SOX

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