Four Horsemen Tattoo – Confessions of a Sports Fanatic

Movie villains, although widely considered the bad guys, are not always hated.  I grew up rooting for Johnny Lawrence to kick Daniel LaRusso’s ass in “Karate Kid,” and was similarly dissappointed when Rocky knocked out Clubber Lang in their climactic rematch at the end of “Rocky 3.”  Despite my propensity to applaud everything evil in movies, certain said characters are so irritating, it is literally impossible to want to see anything but a fiery death for them before the end credits roll.  Here are 15 movie villains that make my blood boil…

Warden Norton—> The Shawshank Redemption

This classic is filled with unlikeable assholes, but Warden Norton takes the proverbial cake, hands down.  Bob Gunton plays the role of crooked prison director so well, you almost forget that Boggs and the “Ladies” violated Andy, and Cpt. Hadley beat a whimpering fatass to death his first night in the clink.  When Andy blows the lid on Norton’s shady business practices, and Norton blows his brains out, it is one of cinema’s more satisfying moments to say the least.

The moment Warden Norton realizes he’s screwed

The Scorpio Killer—>Dirty Harry

Few movie characters have ever received such praise for getting destroyed by a .44 Magnum.  I’ve heard from numerous old timers that when they saw this Clint Eastwood masterpiece in the theater, the entire audience stood up and cheered when Scorpio caught the business-end of Harry Callahan’s hand cannon.  Anyone who has seen DH can attest to the whiny, pompous serial killing villain being one of the biggest movie assholes of all-time.  Below is one of the single greatest pwnages in cinema history.

Best movie tough-guy line ever

Dr. Renee Belloq—>Raiders of the Lost Ark

ROTLA is filled with sinister Nazis ready to kill Indy at every turn, so it’s simply amazing Belloq can irritate audiences more effectively .  The arrogant, back-stabbing  rival of Jones spends the entire movie finding new and creative ways to make Indy’s life miserable, usually for his own amusement.  If Jones was a real person, you can bet your ass he regrets not watching Belloq’s head explode during the Ark opening ceremony.

“Face-melting” guitar solo

Annie Wilkes—>Misery

Kathy Bates clearly nails the role of PSYCHOPATHIC BITCH in “Misery,” and her character, Annie Wilkes, spends every waking moment on screen driving the viewers batshit crazy.  You literally spend an hour and a half waiting, praying, and begging she gets her head crushed with a typewriter in the end.  Lucky for us, she does, but unfortunately for us, Bates survived to get naked in “About Schmidt” in real-life.

This is why you stay single gentlemen

Luther—>The Warriors

“The Warriors” is one of my favorite films ever, but everytime I watch it, Luther gets under my skin so bad, I want to fast forward to the scene where he gets stabbed in the arm by Swan, then rat-packed by the Grammercy Riffs.  David Patrick Kelly’s bitchy voice drives me up the wall, and framing New York’s toughest street gang for murder is unforgiveable in my book.  Rumors of a remake also inspire me to smash a Rogue in the face with a tire-iron.  If you haven’t yet, sign the petition against the remake here.

Luther doing what he does best….be a bitch

Ace—>Stand By Me

Kiefer Sutherland’s Ace  is one of the most relentless pricks in any 80’s movie.  The guy simply does not stop being an asshole, and never ONCE shows a glimpse of civility.  He hates his friends, and even worse, steals Gordie’s treasured Yankee cap.  Ace gets his at the end though:

Ace: What are you gonna do?  Shoot us all?

Gordie: No Ace……Just you.

Montage of Ace highlights

Commodus—>Gladiator

Joaquin Phoenix’s Commodus is the sterotypical movie villain.  He’s cruel, self-centered, and deep down a total pussy.  You have to sift through almost 3 hours of “Gladiator” for his come-uppance, but it is every bit worth the wait to see Maximus gut him like a fish in the final showdown. 

Commodus tribute ala Johnny Cash

Mick—>Teen Wolf

Oh how do I hate Mick, let me count the ways.  He is the direct embodiment of everything you hate in an 80’s sports movie villain.  Despite being the best player on the Dragons, I’m not too sure his teammate Lemonade spent the weekends crushing cheerleader ass with this miserable excuse for a human being.  Seeing a scrappy Beavers team led by Scott Howard defeat Mick may not rank up there with Scorpio getting peppered with magnum shells, but hey, it’s worth something.

Click here for more great sports movie montages

Hans Gruber—>Die Hard

Cold blooded killers are normally aok in my book, but when you fuck with the immortal John McClane in the process, you’re going down, simple as that.  Gruber and his band of misfits go on a shooting spree in “Die Hard,” and their indiscriminate killing gets the audience thirsty for vengeance.  Enter McClane, a streetwise NYC cop who is too hungover to put up with these German douchebags shit, during Christmas time nonetheless.  The result is expected, but seeing Gruber go flying out of a high-rise window still makes me pump my fist in celebration.

John McClane 1, German super criminals 0

Nurse Ratched—>One Flew Over the Cukoo’s Nest

Ratched makes Annie Wilkes look like a kindergarten teacher that huffs “happy gas” during lunchtime breaks.  She is 100% bonified bitch throughout the film, and her Nazi-like treatment of Murph (Jack Nicholson) and his asylum pals make you wish mom never taught you it is wrong to hit a girl.  When Jack finally snaps and lets her have it, you’ll wish he had an axe handy ala “The Shining.”

Wait for Slayer at the 1:10 mark

Billy Mitchell—>The King of Kong

Mitchell is a real person, but his over-the-top arrogance and disdain for general society in TKOK is unmistakeably genuine.  Billy weasels his way out of a public Donkey Kong beatdown, and spends all his time in front of the camera bragging about how he is the best video gamer of all-time, and nobody is worthy of being compared to him.  I later found out some of the clips were meant to get that kind of reaction from the audience, but Mitchell is still undeniably scum.

Here’s a trailer for TKOK since many people haven’t seen it

Ivan Drago—>Rocky IV

Dolph Lundgren’s Drago is easily one of the most reviled characters in any sports movie.  He KILLS Apollo Creed and then mumbles, “If he dies, he dies….” pretty much cementing his legacy as an asshole that people can’t wait to see get knocked out.  It takes Rocky some serious unorthodox training to prepare, but in the end, we get our wish.  “If I can change, you can change.  If you can change, WE can change!”

AWESOME Drago tribute….If you watch one video, let this be the one

Honorable Mention:

• Racki—>Youngblood
• Longshanks—>Braveheart
• Chong Li—>Bloodsport
• Cpl. Upham—>Saving Private Ryan
• Percy Wetmore—>The Green Mile
• Douglas Niedermeyer—>Animal House
• Clarence Boddicker—>Robocop
• Teddy Beckersted—>One Crazy Summer
• Eric Gordon—>Billy Madison
• Dutch—>Karate Kid
• Chas—>Back to School

So there are some of my most hated movie villains.  Feel free to comment on yours.

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