Dumpster Diving: NFL Overall #1 Busts (and the Crappy Merchandise for Them)

The NFL has had it’s fair share of number one overall picks go belly up.  Although many men are members of this elite fraternity of suckitude, don’t expect any to overshadow Ryan Leaf as the biggest bust in league history.  Here’s a peek at #1 busts, and some of the crappy memories you can most likely purchase on ebay to spruce up your Aundray Bruce shrine at home.  Enjoy.

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Tim Couch/Courtney Brown

Simply put, Couch and Brown played like shit for the majority of their careers with the Browns, and that is ironically the same color of Cleveland’s jerseys.  At this stage in the game, Couch will only be remembered for having his Playmate girlfriend stolen by the equally pathetic Cade McNown, and Brown for finishing with just 19 career sacks.

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“Now with mechanic throwing arm, so plastic Couch can chuck picks, just like real Couch!”

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Photo is worth $5 unsigned, $2.11 signed

David Carr

The pretty boy from Fresno was supposed to be the face of the Houston Texans for many years, but Carr’s inability to be effective without an offensive line eventually contributed to the end of his tenure in Texas.  Watching Carr get tossed around like a ragdoll his rookie season was painful to watch, but better opportunites never displayed what was supposed to be a smart quarterback worthy of the #1 pick.

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Stupid poster, unless he had on a neckroll and  played fullback. WTF?

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He beat Colorado, Oregon St., and Wisconsin that year….who were said “big boys?”

Jeff George

If anyone is a real-life Nuke Laloosh, George is the closest thing we will ever see to it.  He had the million dollar arm, but like Nuke, a five cent head.  The bitter gunslinger could have been great, but his greed, ego, and propensity to do all things terrible prevailed.  George’s stamp on humanity is now just the not so fashionable balding mullet, and pencil mustache. 

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This poster is guaranteed to decrease your chances of getting laid by 50%

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This magazine by your shitter is guaranteed to decrease your chances of getting laid by 99%

Dan Wilkinson/Ki-jana Carter

It’s hard as hell to believe, but the Bengals back-to-back number one picks were worse than the Browns aforementioned dynamic duo.  Big Daddy pretty much ate his way out of the league, and Carter was carved on the “Penn St. running backs who were  a complete bust” Mt. Rushmore.  *Sorry, but I couldn’t find a Starting Lineup for Carter that featured: “Now, with exploding knee!!!!”

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If you look close, you can see a foot long meatball sub in Wilkinson’s hand

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The food stains on that shirt could easily feed 3/4 of Ohio

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“Rob” cherishes this heirloom so much, you can buy-it-now for $9.99 on Ebay

Alex Smith

Well, it is officially time to call Smith an epic bust, even though people have been throwing that term around in the Bay-Area for awhile now.  Matt Leinart may be a starting QB in the league right now if he came out after his junior season and was drafted by the Niners, but we’ll never know.  Luckily for Leinart, he made enough money playing at U$C to secure a decent life after football.

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This poster would be a tad more realistic if it said “Guano Standard” on the bottom

Steve Emtman

Emtman was an absolute monster at Washington, but anytime the inept Colts have the first two picks, you know something bad is going to happen.  This is the same franchise that drafted John Elway (despite his refusal to play for them) and Jeff George, so you pretty much knew his questionable knees would give out sooner than later.  The icing on the cake was that year’s second pick (Quentin Coryatt) being equally as worthless for the Colts.

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Is that a unicorn in the background?  Only the Colts…

Russell Maryland

Miami’s Maryland was drafted number one overall by default, seeing this is one of the absolute worst drafts of all-time, especially with Rocket Ismail questionably heading to Canada instead of the NFL.  Russell made one Pro Bowl his entire career, and never lived up to the tremendous hype surrounding a number one pick.  If my conspiracy theory that Maryland and Nate Newton are the same person is true, then disregard the bust comment. 

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And this is the exact moment in time I realized they made a SLU for EVERY player to ever put on a uniform

Aundray Bruce

When the Falcons took Bruce number one, they expected a “next generation” linebacker that would use strength and speed to dominate offenses.  They instead got a run-of-the-mill player that had a few decent seasons, but never anything that would make him a resprectable player on Tecmo Super Bowl, and that is all we care about anyways.  Keep on rockin’ Wayne Haddix.

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And this is the exact moment my previous conceptions were verified

Waiting List: Jamarcus Russell, Matt Stafford

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