White Sox Invade Wrigley to Take on Cubs in Best of 3 Pillow Fight

Let’s be honest, the 2009 installment of the Windy City Series leaves something to be desired.  Both teams have been swirling around the toilet for weeks, and both are mathematically in the playoff hunt due to shitty divisional rivals.  Anyone who attests to the Cubs division being superior or competitive lost all credibility this weekend, after the asshats from Minnesota came to the “Friendly Confines,” and took 2 out of 3.  4HT takes a look at what to expect over the next few days……

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Phil Jackson Makes Political Statement After Historic Win

-Orlando

Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson donned a hat with the insignia of militant activist Malcolm X after last night’s NBA Finals Game 5 win sealed a Laker Championship, creating a shit-storm of controversy in the process. 

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The bizarre tribute left onlookers scratching their head, much like when Bart Starr donned a, “McCarthy for President” t-shirt while accepting his MVP trophy after Super Bowl I.  Jackson’s publicist later revealed that the hat’s insignia actually was, what he called a Roman Numeral, and it stood for the number 10, leaving the press with nothing to write about the incident except, “Phil Jackson: Meet the Most Arrogant Prick in the Universe.”

Jeff Van Gundy Prepares to Spend NBA Off-Season Protecting NYC Subway Station

Ghoulish fiend Jeff Van Gundy has publicly vowed to clean New York City’s grimy subway stations of the tortured souls that infest them once the NBA Finals have officially ended.  He was quoted, “After I’m done announcing the Finals with Kobe Bryant’s underwear on my head, it is time for me to return to the seedy underworld from whence I came, and keep the Knickerbocker faithful’s mass transit system free of the ghosts that plague it.”

Van Gundy also promised to enter the realm of the living once this summer to dry hump and then bite Alonzo Mourning’s leg.

SPORT NBA

Marian Hossa Gets Karma-lized

Quick Timeline:

2008 Season: Hossa’s Penguins lose Stanley Cup Finals to the Red Wings

2008 Off-Season: Hossa leaves Pens for Detroit, because, ““When I compared the two teams, I felt like I would have a little better of a chance to win the Cup in Detroit”

2009 Season: Hossa’s Red Wings lose Stanley Cup Finals to the Penguins

DOH!!!

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EAT IT BITCH!!!!!!!!

Keith Eloi is the man…..nuff said

0:45 second mark is the payoff, and it’s fantastic

Saved by the Bell: Underrated Characters

I had a bizarre obsession with SBTB as a youngster.  Call it pre-teen angst, or puberty that was aided by uber-babe Tiffani Amber Thiessen, the show was one of my favorites.  The uncanny ability I have to watch 5 seconds of ANY episode and then be able to give a detailed description of what transpires during that episode is pathetic at best, and definitely one of my bigger shortcomings.  With that embarrassing confession out of the way, I present you with some of the show’s best (and lesser known) characters, fueled by rumors of a SBTB reunion.  To keep the field narrow, most of said people appeared in the high-school years.  Enjoy a walk down memory lane, or my own personal hell, whatever you prefer to call it.

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The 10 best (and worst) cheap beers to get blottoed on

I’ll admit it, every once in awhile, I crave a refreshing  frosty barleypop (or 20), and today is one of those days.  After some careful scrounging of the sofa and loveseat, my bankroll is at an eye-popping $2.11.  Due to limited funds, the said beverage will have to be low-end, and luckily we live in a country blessed with a menagerie of budget beers.  If I want to watch game 3 of the NBA Finals in style, I’m shit out of luck, but if I want to get shammered and wake up with a graveyard of empty cans around me, here’s the best bets.

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Magic Rip Lakers to Take 1-0 Lead in NBA FINALS

This just in:

The Orlando Magic have defeated the Los Angeles Lakers 68-58 to take a commanding 1-0 series lead, and steal home court advantage from the Lakers.  Point guard Scott Skiles’ 16 points and 7 assists fueled the torrid Magic attack on offense.  Lakers center Vlade Divac’s paltry 2 pts. on 1-2 shooting sealed L.A.’s fate, as guard Magic Johnson was unable to deliver the ball down low to the Yugoslavian big man.

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BOX SCORE:

Orlando

Scott Skiles 16 pts.

Nick Anderson 11 pts.

Sean Higgins 8 pts.

Jeff Turner 19 pts.

Stanley Roberts 14 pts.

Los Angeles

Byron Scott 18 pts.

James Worthy 18 pts.

Sam Perkins 4 pts.

Vlade Divac 2 pts.

Magic Johnson 16 pts.

Skiles was named MVP for his scrappy effort

The NBA Finals are watchable now thanks to….this guy

The countdown to the NBA Finals has almost reached zero.  We have suffered through two months of crappy commercials and media blitzes hyping the (at the time) inevitable Lebron/Kobe puppet showdown, but with Cleveland getting knocked out, I am happy to say this series will actually have my attention now.

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Surging White Sox Trade Adult Film Star for Cuban Dictator

The baseball world was turned upside-down yesterday when news broke that the Chicago White Sox dealt young stud pitcher/adult film star Lance Broadway to the New York Mets for the ageless Cuban dictator/ backup catcher Ramon Castro. 

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Reeling Cubs Sign Homeless Lefty to Bolster Rotation

In the midst of an unfathomable 8 game losing streak, the Chicago Cubs have made headlines this morning by signing homeless left-handed pitcher Cornelius Lang to a lucrative 2 year deal.

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Farewell Johnny “Red” Kerr and Norm Van Lier, You Will be Missed

The abysmal 2009 campaign for the Chicago Bulls took a back seat today when news broke that legendary announcer Johnny “Red” Kerr and former Bulls great  Norm Van Lier passed away.  The organization, and fans alike, are deeply saddened by the loss of these two Chicago-community pillars, and Kerr’s passion for Bulls basketball is something that can never be replaced.

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Are You Drunk? Do You Need Nostalgia?

Put me down for one of each.  My personal “Rowdy Hour” turned into an obvious 12 hr. on this fine Saturday.  Here’s a clip to get you fired up.  Enjoy.

Note: At the 00:53 second mark, that guy is dead. Seriously, he is DEAD….

Ed Hightower: Legendary Referee

Found a great link today where people photoshopped immortal Big Ten referee Ed Hightower into pictures.  He is naturally blowing his whistle and has the “that’s a foul young man” look in every one.  I’m just happy so many others agree this piece of work may be the worst zebra to ever call a collegiate basketball game. Click here to enjoy comedic platinum, and try not to piss yourself.

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Worst Slam Dunk Contest….Ever

Saturday night of NBA All-Star Weekend used to be one of the most highly anticipated and exciting nights in sports.  Long gone from the slam dunk contest field are dunking legends Michael Jordan, Dominique Wilkins, and Vince Carter, but expectations still run high for each new installment.  Sure there were a few off years for the contest here and there (i.e. Brent Barry), however nothing gets a fan’s blood pumping like watching thunderous dunks, and it has persevered as mandatory viewing for thousands.  Sadly, this year changed that perception for me.

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