Four Horsemen Tattoo – Confessions of a Sports Fanatic

-Orlando

Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson donned a hat with the insignia of militant activist Malcolm X after last night’s NBA Finals Game 5 win sealed a Laker Championship, creating a shit-storm of controversy in the process. 

The bizarre tribute left onlookers scratching their head, much like when Bart Starr donned a, “McCarthy for President” t-shirt while accepting his MVP trophy after Super Bowl I.  Jackson’s publicist later revealed that the hat’s insignia actually was, what he called a Roman Numeral, and it stood for the number 10, leaving the press with nothing to write about the incident except, “Phil Jackson: Meet the Most Arrogant Prick in the Universe.”

Ghoulish fiend Jeff Van Gundy has publicly vowed to clean New York City’s grimy subway stations of the tortured souls that infest them once the NBA Finals have officially ended.  He was quoted, “After I’m done announcing the Finals with Kobe Bryant’s underwear on my head, it is time for me to return to the seedy underworld from whence I came, and keep the Knickerbocker faithful’s mass transit system free of the ghosts that plague it.”

Van Gundy also promised to enter the realm of the living once this summer to dry hump and then bite Alonzo Mourning’s leg.

Quick Timeline:

2008 Season: Hossa’s Penguins lose Stanley Cup Finals to the Red Wings

2008 Off-Season: Hossa leaves Pens for Detroit, because, ““When I compared the two teams, I felt like I would have a little better of a chance to win the Cup in Detroit”

2009 Season: Hossa’s Red Wings lose Stanley Cup Finals to the Penguins

DOH!!!

EAT IT BITCH!!!!!!!!

0:45 second mark is the payoff, and it’s fantastic

I had a bizarre obsession with SBTB as a youngster.  Call it pre-teen angst, or puberty that was aided by uber-babe Tiffani Amber Thiessen, the show was one of my favorites.  The uncanny ability I have to watch 5 seconds of ANY episode and then be able to give a detailed description of what transpires during that episode is pathetic at best, and definitely one of my bigger shortcomings.  With that embarrassing confession out of the way, I present you with some of the show’s best (and lesser known) characters, fueled by rumors of a SBTB reunion.  To keep the field narrow, most of said people appeared in the high-school years.  Enjoy a walk down memory lane, or my own personal hell, whatever you prefer to call it.

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I’ll admit it, every once in awhile, I crave a refreshing  frosty barleypop (or 20), and today is one of those days.  After some careful scrounging of the sofa and loveseat, my bankroll is at an eye-popping $2.11.  Due to limited funds, the said beverage will have to be low-end, and luckily we live in a country blessed with a menagerie of budget beers.  If I want to watch game 3 of the NBA Finals in style, I’m shit out of luck, but if I want to get shammered and wake up with a graveyard of empty cans around me, here’s the best bets.

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This just in:

The Orlando Magic have defeated the Los Angeles Lakers 68-58 to take a commanding 1-0 series lead, and steal home court advantage from the Lakers.  Point guard Scott Skiles’ 16 points and 7 assists fueled the torrid Magic attack on offense.  Lakers center Vlade Divac’s paltry 2 pts. on 1-2 shooting sealed L.A.’s fate, as guard Magic Johnson was unable to deliver the ball down low to the Yugoslavian big man.

Skiles was named MVP for his scrappy effort

The countdown to the NBA Finals has almost reached zero.  We have suffered through two months of crappy commercials and media blitzes hyping the (at the time) inevitable Lebron/Kobe puppet showdown, but with Cleveland getting knocked out, I am happy to say this series will actually have my attention now.

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The baseball world was turned upside-down yesterday when news broke that the Chicago White Sox dealt young stud pitcher/adult film star Lance Broadway to the New York Mets for the ageless Cuban dictator/ backup catcher Ramon Castro. 

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In the midst of an unfathomable 8 game losing streak, the Chicago Cubs have made headlines this morning by signing homeless left-handed pitcher Cornelius Lang to a lucrative 2 year deal.

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The abysmal 2009 campaign for the Chicago Bulls took a back seat today when news broke that legendary announcer Johnny “Red” Kerr and former Bulls great  Norm Van Lier passed away.  The organization, and fans alike, are deeply saddened by the loss of these two Chicago-community pillars, and Kerr’s passion for Bulls basketball is something that can never be replaced.

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Put me down for one of each.  My personal ”Rowdy Hour” turned into an obvious 12 hr. on this fine Saturday.  Here’s a clip to get you fired up.  Enjoy.

Note: At the 00:53 second mark, that guy is dead. Seriously, he is DEAD….

Found a great link today where people photoshopped immortal Big Ten referee Ed Hightower into pictures.  He is naturally blowing his whistle and has the ”that’s a foul young man” look in every one.  I’m just happy so many others agree this piece of work may be the worst zebra to ever call a collegiate basketball game. Click here to enjoy comedic platinum, and try not to piss yourself.

Saturday night of NBA All-Star Weekend used to be one of the most highly anticipated and exciting nights in sports.  Long gone from the slam dunk contest field are dunking legends Michael Jordan, Dominique Wilkins, and Vince Carter, but expectations still run high for each new installment.  Sure there were a few off years for the contest here and there (i.e. Brent Barry), however nothing gets a fan’s blood pumping like watching thunderous dunks, and it has persevered as mandatory viewing for thousands.  Sadly, this year changed that perception for me.

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Throughout the last century and a half, college football has been alive and well.  Although not much else has withstood the test of time as vigilantly, video games are here to stay.  Ever since Pong hit the scene decades ago, our society’s fascination with gaming has experienced a meteoric rise that may see no end.  I love college football.  I love video games.  With these shocking revelations off my chest, it is time to reveal my list that compares video game systems to college football programs.  As always, chime in with your own insight.

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